Thought I'd post a few of these here. This has apparently become a thing on Twitter after Alex Jones made the claim that the "libs" are planning a civil war tomorrow... Some of these are hilarious.

@KelliCrackel
My Darling,
War is hell. The Battle of Trader Joe's lasted many days. We lost half our battalion, some to enemy fire, some to the dreaded Covfefe virus. I still live, but for how much longer I do not know.

Pray for us.

#secondcivilwarletters

@FillineMachine
·
11h
My dear wife,
Most of my battalion has succumbed to smallpox. The horrid disease was thought to have been eradicated shortly after the last civil war, but the enemy troops we recently faced were all unvaccinated. #secondcivilwarletters

@TheRickWilson
·
1h
I stared at the dying soldier, his Alt-Reich Douchestaffel uniform covered in blood.

He gripped my arm, eyes wild with fear of impending death.

"One question..." he gasped.

"Anything," I said.

With his last breath he sighed, "What is a clitoris?"

#secondcivilwarletters


@nuritgreenfinch
#secondcivilwarletters
My Dearest Husband,

At long last, by the grace of God & a lucky Uber alone, our Hortons Battalion has reached our American comrades. We brought with us shoes & poutine. Morale has soared. Gen. Maddow and Captain Avenatti will be leading our charge at dawn


@AnthonyFritz19
Dearest Emma
Colonel Hannity's red hats ambushed us at the Galleria yesterday. Many brave men were lost. We are down to our last wedge of Brie and the Chardonnay is dangerously close to room temperature. Remember: Tuesday is recycling . #SecondCivilWarLetters

@TheRickWilson
Colonel:

During the 3rd Battle of Charlottesville we captured enemy caches of citronella oil, Tiki torches, and Japanese pornography.

Also, Trumpistani leader Richard Spencer was captured as he attempted to escape into a local Walmart dressed as a woman.

#secondcivilwarletters

@tatestreet21
·
4h
"We charged the field of red-hatted cannon fodder. Our battle cry was loud: They're, There, Their!"
#secondcivilwarletters

@LaLiberalVetera

My dearest: I accidentally used a three syllable word today in conversation at Fort MAGA. I fear my cover as Buford T. Cousinhumper III is compromised.
I have completed my mission of stealing all the truck nuts and AR firing pins.
#secondcivilwarletters

@Donnie_Ashworth
·
4h
Replying to @TheRickWilson
Dear Rick,

I joined the 69th infantry in Montgomery to march to Gadsden. We will free all the young girls held hostage in malls by Gen. Roy Moore’s Red Cap brigade. It is hot as a Trump in Church down here so please send cold beer.

Truly,
Donnie

#secondcivilwarletters

@Im_TheAntiTrump

My love,

I have run off to fight the red hats. At dawn we infiltrate Mar-a-lago to replace all meat & dairy products with soy substitutes (increasing estrogen as decreed in the 'Gay Agenda Cookbook') We'll also be loosening the lids on the salt shakers.

#secondcivilwarletter

@johncardillo

My Dearest,

Our patchouli and quinoa stores have nearly run dry.

Skinny jeans are ill suited for this type of battle. Chafing has cost us many.

Our efforts are mocked by employed passers by, but we shall never surrender.

#SecondCivilWarLetters

@maybeprobablyme

#secondcivilwarletters

Dearest Xbox,

War is not what Call Of Duty prepared me for.

Generals Eric and Jr. tell us we must hold the Hobby Lobby parking lot, but the Libs have posted signs saying "free beer this way." No one returns from the free beer.

My resolve is weakening.

@kabouki210

My dearest,
I fear today’s letter may be my last. The battle of Costco is not going as planned. We have been pinned in the bakery for 2 days. Due to gluten allergies, carbs, and sugar we have not eaten in days. Today we try to storm produce, but have doubts #secondcivilwarletters

@hanksinatra712

My beloved Scarlett,
War is hell. Major Pence has demanded I apply his lotion EVERYWHERE. He says he loves the manly comradery he has INSTILLED in all of his troops.
I miss your feminine ways.
Rhett
#secondcivilwarletters

@CaptainAmerifac

To whom it may concern,

I'm still not sure why we're up here.

Signed,
Clark Ridley
Chief Engineer,
United States Space Force.
#secondcivilwarletters

@keith_tiberius

After-Action Report 4JUL18:

Snowflake Company deployed along phase-line Echo, opposite Trumpist defensive fortifications. After bombardment to minimal effect, we managed to overrun their positions by yelling, "Hey, isn't that Ted Nugent there?"

#secondcivilwarletters

@Bionicjoe

My dearest Megan,
My only hope is that this letter makes it into the Ken Burns documentary on PBS. Send a portion of my check to the 'Viewers Like You' telethon, and forever carry our love in the free tote bag.

Yours in covfefe,
Joe #secondcivilwarletters

@Scottr10s

Dearest,
I have been captured by the Red Hats. I cannot withstand any more psychological torture. The barrage of Ted Nugent, Kid Rock, and Toby Keith is starting to have physical effects. I fear that if I escape, I will be unrecognizable with this mullet. #SecondCivilWarLetters

@TheSharktonaut

My love,

My battalion, the 22nd feminazis, have taken many nazi red-hats hostage by promising to take their virginity. Instead, we torture them by doing yoga while free bleeding. They asked for a red wave, and they got one.

Please send more yoga pants.

#secondcivilwarletters

@jdf42989

Dearest Agatha, We got Admiral Pence to talk. It wasn’t pretty. We had to bind his hands and feet and sit him at a candle lit dinner with a woman. I hear his cries still! “MOTHER WOULDNT LIKE THIS! MOTHER!!” #secondcivilwarletters

@jenkeas

My darling. You no doubt will have learned the details of this frightful battle before my letter reaches you. Thus, I trust it shall not come as too great a shock for me to inform you that there are not, in fact, some very fine people on both sides. #secondcivilwarletters

@milkexperiment

Dear Donald,

I bring distressing news. Our journey was disrupted by frogs crossing our path; Alex deserted so fast that his tinfoil hat flew into my eye, rendering it useless. Luckily I still have the other one.

I pray your bone spurs heal soon.

Sarah

#secondcivilwarletters

@bskinnyninja3

I have been assigned to the Coastal Elites Brigade. Our MREs are vegan & we detox daily. Please send hot-dogs & scotch.
#SecondCivilWarLetters

@KingHeathcliff

My beloved Lis,

We skirmished last night in fog against the 22nd 4Chan regiment in the outskirts of Tempe. When we pushed through to their camp, they had fled, leaving behind two dozen bags of Cool Ranch Doritos and a veritiable library of soiled anime.

#secondcivilwarletters