IF MY BODY IS EVER FOUND ON A "JOGGING" TRAIL, JUST KNOW THAT I WAS MURDERED SOMEWHERE ELSE AND DUMPED THERE.

▪ RESPECT YOUR ELDERS. THEY GRADUATED FROM SCHOOL WITHOUT THE INTERNET.

▪ I'VE DECIDED I'M NOT OLD, I'M 25 -- PLUS SHIPPING AND HANDLING.

▪ WHY DO I HAVE TO PRESS "1" FOR ENGLISH? DID AMERICA MOVE?

▪ WE HAVE ENOUGH GUN CONTROL. WHAT WE NEED IS IDIOT CONTROL.

▪ BEHIND EVERY ANGRY WOMAN STANDS A MAN WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT HE DID WRONG.

▪ LET'S STOP SENDING MONEY TO OTHER COUNTRIES AND LET THEM HATE US FOR FREE.

▪ VEGETARIAN: ANCIENT TRIBAL NAME FOR THE VILLAGE IDIOT WHO CAN'T HUNT, FISH, OR LIGHT FIRES!

▪ I LOOK AT PEOPLE AND SOMETIMES THINK "REALLY"? -- THAT'S THE SPERM THAT WON?"

▪ IN MY DEFENSE, I WAS LEFT UNSUPERVISED.

▪ IF GUNS KILL PEOPLE, THEN PENCILS MISSPELL WORDS, CARS MAKE PEOPLE DRIVE DRUNK, AND SPOONS MAKE PEOPLE FAT.

▪ MY DECISION-MAKING SKILLS CLOSELY RESEMBLE THOSE OF A SQUIRREL WHEN CROSSING THE ROAD.

▪ SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.

▪ WE OWE ILLEGALS NOTHING -- WE OWE OUR VETERANS EVERYTHING.

▪ CAMPING: WHERE YOU SPEND A SMALL FORTUNE TO LIVE LIKE A HOMELESS PERSON.

▪ I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT GETTING OLD WOULD TAKE LONGER.

▪ A WISE MAN ONCE SAID - - NOTHING.