I don't understand 'em. I don't even pretend to.

My wife will occasionally step out onto the patio at night to gently whine about how long I'm spending on a certain cigar, ask "how many more minutes," etc.

So tonight, she comes out here and I brace myself to ignore her...

And she hands me a perfectly brewed cup of coffee, just the way I like it. Piping hot. Awesome.

Do they do this sort of thing just to keep us off balance? Or should I pour the coffee on a plant and see if it dies (hemlock, maybe)?

ScottHar

Yes. They use code (when they say "nothing" is wrong, you are screwed). They use signals we are supposed to interpret like it's American Sign Language(rolling eyes, hand on the hip). They have meetings. They call emergency meetings in the ladies rooms to address new issues and strategy (what, do you think they all just enjoy the ambience in there?).

Bottom line? We have no chance. We can only hope to survive with our sanity intact.

I take each situation individually, and try not to understand em.

At long last... The Men’s Guide to what a woman really means when she says something.

Pay close attention (there might be a quiz later).

You want = You want

We need = I want

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure... go ahead = I don’t want you to.

I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!

You’re ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You’re certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?

I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’m on my period.

Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.

I’ll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you’re dead.]

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it.

Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

(The answer to "What’s wrong?")

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Everything = My PMS is acting up

Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an ****

I don’t want to talk about it = Go away, I’m still building up steam

give her a dutch oven later when you go to bed and see how that goes over.

I tried to understand women and I came to the conclusion that smoking cigars is more fun.

Everything I needed to know about women I learned from Bill Murray "Chicks dig me because I rarely wear underwear and when I do it's something interesting.". The man's a genius!

Never trust anything that bleeds for seven days in a row and won't die.....

wheel...

Re#8

Except my wondeful wife.
(She might see this thread)
lol
wheel...

Men do not have the appropriate wiring required to understand women.

Men, by default*, are happy human beings. It takes some sort of external stimulus to make us sad or upset.

Women, by default, are miserable. They need to be made happy.

So in our natural states, we are incompatible. The man will ask, "What's wrong"......the woman replies "Nothing". Man continually tries to bring woman into his state of contentment and she tries to bring him into her state of discontent.

Men cannot comprehend being unhappy for no reason so we continue to pester until the woman moves from her state of misery to a state of anger.

The occasional unexplainable act of kindness, I attribute to hormonal imbalance.

I don't have a full understanding of them, but these two things seem to cut half the guess work out of them.

1-Don't marry one until she is 30 years old.

2-When they cry, simply stand up, and in an even tone, simply say to her "I refuse to be extorted by your use of emotional blackmail" and walk away.

Works for me.

I use sex as a tool.

Yeah, I hold out on her until I get what I want!

That's how I roll!

If you're ever figure out women, you'll be able to buy and sell Bill Gates.

And Andy's right, men are innately happy creatures. Something has to HAPPEN to make us unhappy.


And it usually involves women.

And here are the appropriate responses to our BOTL's accurate translations (in parenthesis)

At long last... The Men’s Guide to what a woman really means when she says something.

Pay close attention (there might be a quiz later).

You want = You want (no need for action)

We need = I want (her problem. she can get the damn thing if she wants it)

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. (and it is. Act on it)

Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later. (You're going to pay one way or another, may as well be this)

We need to talk = I need to complain (doesn't mean you have to listen)

Sure... go ahead = I don’t want you to. (get it in writing, use it later)

I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron! (she's going to be upset about something. at least now you know what it is this time)

You’re ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. (yeah... I got nothing here. shower you damn monkey)

You’re certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about? (The correct answer is "yes")

I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’m on my period. (Not our problem)

Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs. (Lights stay on until you get yourself to a treadmill, B$tch)

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. (doesn't really matter. She doesn't cook)

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... (as long as all I have to do is nod at colors)

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white. (as long as all I have to do is nod at colors)

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! (never put a nail into a wall until the decision has lasted two weeks)

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. (sounds like time she paid for her protection...ie bjs)

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive. (sigh)

How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like. (sigh... sigh....)

I’ll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. (hey.. tv!)

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful. (yes it is. get your fat $ss to the treadmill)

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me. (I was communicating when I said your fat #ss needed to get to the treadmill)

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you’re dead.] (no)

Yes = No (get it in writing)

No = No (get it in writing)

Maybe = No (get it in writing)

I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry. (wow... never heard that statement....i think it's a fluke)

Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it. (wow... never heard that statement....i think it's a fluke)


Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep. (like everything else, if it cries it isn't my problem. and who's dumb-#ss idea was it to pop some crying thing out anyway!??!?)

I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. (it's not important.)

All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook? (just make sure to stop by the jeans department and let her get a look at her butt.)

(The answer to "What’s wrong?")

The same old thing = Nothing (get it in writing)

Nothing = Everything (doesn't matter what it means. stick to your guns)

Everything = My PMS is acting up (not your problem. Her body, her problem. If she dislikes PMS so much, she can get shots.. also fixes the above issue with babies)

Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an **** (hold her at her word men! Don't give!

I don’t want to talk about it = Go away, I’m still building up steam (YAY!!! She doesn't want to talk about it! Skip off into the sunset and lavishly enjoy your few minutes of silence... life is good!)

whoa whoa whoa!!! did i ever read the tittle of this thread wrong.

it says "understanding women"

i figured, "there is no frigging' way to understand a woman", so this must be a like to some magical island full of "Understanding" women, as in, women who ARE understanding...



so this even further proves it! there is no such thing as an understanding woman.



oy!




nine

It's easy.

Just tell them they are right! Go on with your normal business. Try to have sex with her! Who knows you might get lucky.

When they ask what you are doing, tell them they are beautiful, try to have sex with her, usually she'll back off, then go on your with normal business.

When she complains, ask them how they could put up with a guy like you, tell them they are fantastic, try to have sex with her, then go on with your normal business.

In the end it's all about them. But don't let that get in the way, try to have sex with her, then go on with your normal business.

Oh yea the coffee was, ah! never mind, should have tried to have sex with her, now just go on with your normal business. lol!

Women, vs. Men:


Women marry men with the expectation that THEY can change the man.

Men marry women with the expectation and hope that the woman will NOT change.

They are BOTH wrong...

Hehehehehe! 🤣

Nearly 15 years later, this worked then and still works now. The only change I've changed is the phrasology.

Tears are Emotional Blackmail and I will not pay it.

Can't live with 'em... can't shoot 'em... unless you're Henry the VIII.

Pass the beer nuts.