A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

Man Who Just Filled His Gas Tank Starting To Think Those Jan 6 Rioters Were Maybe Onto Something

CONWAY, AR—When his bi-weekly sedan fill-up exceeded $120 for the 10th time, local man Matthew Standridge found himself wondering if the Jan 6 “insurrection” was really such a tragedy.

"I’m not, like, an existential threat to democracy or anything, but it does feel like this whole thing with Biden isn't going well," said Stanbridge with a pained look on his face as he prepared to swipe his debit card and wipe out his bank account. "Are we sure he didn't—I dunno—steal the election? Is it too late to overturn it? Is it racist to ask that?”

Sources add that Standridge tried to shake the troubling thoughts from his mind, getting back on the road for his 10-minute commute that drains his gas tank each week.

“I’m not some far-right-wing extremist. I pay my taxes, I believe all elections, and all women, and I hold most of the approved views…I just wonder if those protesters knew something I don’t,” Standridge told his wife. “At this point, I think it’s time Jacob entered the workforce. I know he’s only eight, but we need to put food on the table and I don't think Kamala will do it for us like she said she would.”

At publishing time, Mr. Standridge was found inside a Spirit Halloween store purchasing a buffalo hat and red-white-and-blue face paint and was unavailable for comment.

Jan. 6 Committee Calls Its First Witness Jimmy Kimmel

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The January 6 Committee has called its first star witness of the night, Jimmy Kimmel. The universally beloved, extremely talented comedian is expected to share a heartwrenching testimony, shedding new light on how yucky and terrible Donald Trump is for trying to overthrow the most fair election in history and insurrect the Capitol and put kids in cages. Democrat leaders are urging all Americans to watch the blockbuster testimony, get extremely angry, and donate lots of money to their reelection campaigns.

Kimmel will be followed by testimony from Keith Olbermann.

Jan. 6 Hearing Review: A Tour De Force That Demands To Be Seen On The Largest Screen Possible

January 6th Hearing (2022)

Directed by Bennie Thompson

Drama/Horror - R - 6h 39m

The latest Democrat drama January 6th Hearing, the hotly anticipated sequel to Impeachment 2 and Mueller Report: The Reckoning, aired on TV screens for the first time last night, and I am happy to report that it met—nay, EXCEEDED—my wildest expectations.

I am still shaking and soiling my trousers hours after the credits rolled—it really was that horrific.

Over the course of several hours, we learned that some rioters tried to destroy our democracy by entering the Capitol Building and taking selfies and putting their booted Nazi feet upon Nancy Pelosi's sacred desk. We learned that some of them broke a window and used bad language—even the "f-word!". One of them wore a buffalo hat and face paint that made him look like the demon who haunts my sleep paralysis dreams. And then, to cap it all off, when they were done, they went out for tacos. TACOS!

The camerawork was masterful. The dialogue was sharp and poignant, delivered with the classic monotone cadence of a bored politician. Liz Cheney was a standout here. I fully expect her to be nominated for a Golden Globe, an Oscar, and Teen Choice Award. The revelations pierced me through to my very soul, scrambled up my insides, and made me throw up all over the floor several times.

Above all, the hearings proved one thing: the Republicans are mean and yucky and we must donate all our money to help the Democrat politicians win their reelection campaigns this year. If we do not do this, the Republicans will murder our holy democracy.

January 6th Hearing is a masterpiece—a tour de force that demands to be witnessed with friends on the largest IMAX screen available. Call on your local theater to show the hearings in every time slot around the clock forever. Democracy hangs in the balance. Walk—no, RUN—to your nearest IMAX and see this—you know—since you can't afford gas to drive anymore.

5 out of 5 stars

^ No matter what I think this is hilarious! The ongoing dog and pony show is tiring and wearing. It benifts no one.

You won't drink away the alcoholism.

and also Babylon Bee
It's humor.
The real thing is less hysterical.

I disagree. This all needs to be part of the library of congress for use decades and decades, and perhaps even centuries from now- when history decides what really occurred historically (as opposed to politically).

Death Toll Rises: Man Dies Of Heart Attack Year-And-A-Half After Eating Corndog At January 6 Riot

U.S.—The death toll is continuing to rise in connection with the devastating January 6th riots, as one of the attendees has died of a heart attack a year-and-a-half after he was pictured eating a corndog there.

"Over a year after this horrific attack on our holy democracy, the catastrophic death toll continues to rise," said Congressman Adam Schiff. "The death of Bob Billings of a massive heart attack after eating one of the artery-clogging corndogs sold at the Capitol Riot again reminds us of how deadly and dark this dark-deadly day was. That must be, like, a thousand dead now. Those of us still here are lucky to be alive."

Congress is investigating more charges that can be brought against Trump in connection with Billings' death, in addition to the other casualties—such as those who got in car accidents on the way home from the rally, those who died of January 6th-connected myocarditis, and those who died of heartbreak due to Biden being inaugurated.

"It may be many years before we really know the true death toll of January 6th, but you can be sure we will continue to talk about it until it no longer effectively raises campaign funds for us," said Schiff.

At publishing time, Congress announced the additional January 6th death of a protestor who claimed to have dirt on Hillary Clinton.

Death Toll From Jan. 6 Skyrockets As Hearing Viewers Die Of Boredom

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The deadly January 6th riots have claimed even more innocent victims, as everyone watching the hearings is dying of boredom.

"Once again we are seeing the tragic human cost of the evil MAGA insurrection on January 6th," said Adam Schiff as several attendees fell out of their chairs and passed away, unable to watch one more second of the tiresome hearings. "Trump must be held responsible for these untimely deaths."

"OH, THE HUMANITY!"

Reports indicate that while the death count skyrockets, the injuries associated with January 6th are also rising—with various attendees and viewers at home gouging out their eyes, jumping out of windows, and leaping in front of buses.

Authorities expect the death toll to rise even higher after the House committee members commit seppuku for failing to stop Trump from running in 2024.

Bowing To Pressure From LGBTQ+ Activists, Next Jan. 6 Hearing To Include A Gay Kiss

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After increased pressure from lobbyists representing the LGBTQ+ community, the January 6th Committee has announced they will be including a same-sex kiss in their next hearing.

"We are very excited to feature the first-ever gay kiss in a Congressional hearing," said Chairman Bennie Thompson. "For too long, the LGBTQQIP2SAA+++ community has been underrepresented in our esteemed political stunts and televised show trials. After speaking to representatives from the community, we realized we needed to do better. Be sure to tune in tomorrow for a historic extended scene featuring two gay people making out! Historic!"

The committee reportedly asked for volunteers for the kissing scene. Chairman Thompson was originally going to ask Liz Cheney to kiss Elaine Luria, but Adam Kinzinger and Adam Schiff quickly raised their hands to volunteer before anyone else.

Consultants in Washington celebrated the "bold move" as a huge step for LGBTQ+ representation and a sure way to improve Democrat prospects in the November election.

The Committee promises further pride-themed elements in the hearings next week when they will invite a 12-year-old drag queen to perform in between sessions.

The televised hearings will be edited to remove the gay kiss for Chinese audiences.

Democrats Announce 'January 6th Hearings On Ice'

WASHINGTON, D.C.—As ratings continue to fizzle for the January 6th hearings, Democrats are trying a new format to bring the committee's scandalous findings to a wider audience.

"We are proud, so proud, to announce January 6th Hearings On Ice," said Pelosi while attempting to squeeze into a silver leotard. "We invite parents and children of all ages to come witness this delightful spectacle as my colleagues and I dance to delightful musical numbers and spin our narrative as we spin on the ice!"

The show will take place on a rink of frozen tears supplied by AOC herself, and will feature the talents of Liz Cheney, Adam Kinzinger, and Adam Schiff, as he comically attempts to stay upright under the weight of his large watermelon-shaped head.

Democrats hope the new show will give more Americans a chilling picture of just how evil Trump and his supporters are.

At publishing time, the show had to be put on hold after every member of the committee slipped and broke their hips within the first 5 minutes of the first performance.

You make quite an assumption that the USA will still be around as a country.

Robert is one of those "Perpetual Union", "One Nation Indivisible" mythologists I think.

Very simple, you hate our present democracy. Robert may not love it, but he knows it is the best government in the world even with it's many flaws. Also, you do not believe there is a need for government. Carry on Mini Lew.

Yer right about one thing Mr. Spey, I have a distrust of healthy distrust of duhmacracy, which a good part of the founding generation also had. It showed in their writings, their debates and stuff like the Articles of Confederation and the Constitution. It was a thing to be kept to the local as much as possible.

Just because the present corrupt incarnation may be relatively and marginally better than other corrupt governments is no reason to celebrate it.

Like I said before, call me what you wish, but don't call me Mini Spey.

Even you're attempt at a nickname is to simplistic.

If I truly wanted be mean I would call you mini Marx.

I missed the mark there, mini Joe.

Geez....three ridiculous posts in a row to say nothing interesting?