1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19- I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Rick...
Funny stuff... Always have enjoyed his dead-pan delivery of alternative logic

John

Brilliantly clever and funny--if Chris Rock were to use any of this material, his head would explode.

bloody spaniard

i agree. chris rock uses filthy language in place of humor. richard proyer used the same words in context and they weren't filthy.

More SW..I once made instant coffee in a microwave...I went back in time.
I was born cesarian section and it has never affected me,except whenever I leave home,I always go out a window. X

Rick, he was an original. Richard Pryor would also come on Ed Sullivan, Andy Williams, Laugh In, etc. and KILL with his "clean" stuff. The man was always on the cutting edge. Is he still alive?? Last I saw, he was in bad shape at a Kennedy Center event in his honor.

Have a great Memorial Day weekend, amigo!

blood

Richard Pryor is still alive. Comedy Central ran a one hour tribute to him a month or two ago called "I ain't %^&$# dead yet" he is one of my favorites

Chris Rock is pathethic! he is just filthy, and I am not easily offended!

Charlie

Funny stuff.

Chris Rock IS funny, just not recently.

GIG'em

Great way to start the day....LOL