Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
>Here's what happened:
>Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
>"something
>wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's
>just
>lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you
help?"
>I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him
into
>his
>bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking
>stressed I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come
look at
>the
>lizard!"
>"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
babies."
>"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was
>equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want
>them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
>"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
>inquired.
>(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
>"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
most
>loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
>"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
>"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
>informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
>By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I
>shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be
a
>wondrous
>experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of
birth."
>"Oh, Gross!" they shrieked.
>"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter
of
>tiny
>little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think
she was
>being snotty here, too , don't you?)
>We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny
>foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't
>appear to
>be making much progress," I noted.
>"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my
son
>urged.
>"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next
>appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more
>times
>with the same results.
>"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could
>talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
females in
>my
>house?)
>"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly
>We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe,
>Ernie, breathe," he urged.
>"I don't think lizards do La maze," his mother noted to him. (Women
can
>be
>so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,
but
>this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
>The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little
>animal through a magnifying glass.
>"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
>"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr and Mrs. Cameron, may I
speak to
>you privately for a moment?"
>I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
>"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
>"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.
In
>fact,
>that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is
a
>young
> male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male
>species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on
his
>back."
>He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr
>Cameron."
>We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just... just...excited,"
my
>wife
>offered.
>"Exactly", the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
>More silence.
>Then my viscious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then
even
>laugh loudly.
>"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
woman
>I
>married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
>Tears were now running down her face. "It's just... that... I'm
picturing
>you pulling on its... its... teeny little..." she gasped for more
air to
>bellow in laughter once more.
>"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly
>bundled
>the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was
>going
>to be okay.
>"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told
me.
>"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
>2 - Lizards - $140... 1 - Cage - $50... Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory
>of
>your husband pulling on a lizard's wheenie.. Priceless...
