Chili Judge
Copyright 1997 W. Bruce Cameron
Please do not remove the copyright from this essay
Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous
Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off
because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person
called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing
there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon
when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be
all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those
burdens you endure when you're an Internet writer and therefore
known and adored by all.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
· JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
· JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
· CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers
to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people
are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
· JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight
Jalapeno tang.
· JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
· CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure
what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way
to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a
professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated
over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye
started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like
Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
· JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs
more beans.
· JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red
peppers.
· CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've
located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so
I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the
back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said
her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call
her "Forklift."
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
· JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
· JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
· CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but
was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh
refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she
winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled-it's kinda
cute.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
· JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
· JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
· CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my
eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had
given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer
directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of
the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
· JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spice and peppers.
· JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
· CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
· JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
canned peppers.
· JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned
chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am a bit
worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of
distress.
· CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and
pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one
eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My
clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my
mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed
me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our
children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided
to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole
in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a
super nova on my tongue.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
· JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili,
neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
· JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili,
safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.
· CAMERON: Momma?
