> invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical

>help. He called

> her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of

>Texas and I

> need some help.

>

> If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would

> you take off?

> " The secretary thought a moment, then replied,

> "Everything but my earrings."

> You gotta love those East Texas women.

>

> =======================================

>

> A group of East Texas friends went deer hunting and paired

> off in twos for the day.

> That night, one of the hunters returned alone,

> staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

>

> "Where's Henry?" the others asked

> "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles

> back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

> "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?"

> they inquired.

> "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is

> going to steal Henry!"

>

> =======================================

>

> A senior at the Texas A&M was overheard saying .

> "when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in East

> Texas."

>

> When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in East Texas

> because everything happens in Texas 20 years later than in

> the rest of the civilized world.

>

> =======================================

>

> The young man from East Texas came running into the

> store and said to his buddy,

> "Junior, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the

> parking lot!"

> Junior replied, "Did you see who it was?

> "The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the

> license number."

>

> =======================================

>

> East Texas's worst air disaster occurred when a small

> two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Texas Aggie

> students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today.

>

> Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so

> far and expect the number to climb as digging continues

> into the evening.

>

> The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the

> recovery efforts.

>

> =======================================

>

> A Texas State trooper pulled over a pickup on US-59. The

> trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

> The driver replied, "Bout whut?

>

> =======================================

>

> A man in East Texas had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of

> the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front

> of the car and one behind it.

>

> Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the

> scene as he

> drove by and was so curious he turned around and went

> back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man

> replied, "I have a flat tire.

>

> "The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

> The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to

> put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did

> understand it either.

Things ALL Texans know, and the rest of the World wonders about.

Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

Road runners don't really say "Beep Beep"

There are more than 5,000 types of snakes but only 4,998 live in Texas.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus a couple hundred no one's seen before.

Possums will eat anything.

Armadillos love to dig holes under tomato plants.

Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe by leaving only the green ones.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.

There are valid reasons some people put concertina wire around their house.

You cannot find a country road without a curve from corner to corner.

A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

Texas has 6 seasons:

Spring, Feb. 16 to April 15

Summer, April 16 to July 15 (temp 90 to 98 degrees)

Super Summer, July 16 to Sept. 10 (temp 100 to 115 degrees)

Late Summer, Sept. 11 to Oct. 1 (temp 90 to 98 degrees)

Fall, Oct. 2 to Dec. 1

Winter Dec. 2 to Feb. 15

The wind blows at 90 MPH from Oct. 2 until June 25, then it stops totally until Oct. 2.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.

Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.

Graduating 1st in your class means you left in the 8th grade.

Coldbeer is one word.

People actually grow and eat okra.

Texans really don't have an accent.

When the world ends, only cockroaches and mesquite trees will survive.

Green grass DOES burn.

When you live in the country, you don't have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your gate in the middle of the night.

The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first couple of weeks.

When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to go to the doctor.

Fixinto is one word.

A tank is a dirt hole in the ground that holds water for irrigation, and is usually dry.

The word dinner is confusing. There's only lunch and then supper.

Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're 2.

Backards and forards means I know everything about you.

'Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

And the most important thing .... There's no place I'd rather be then TEXAS!

Andrew