Our neighbour was having an extension built and our daughter, then aged four, was fascinated. From her window she watched the builders digging trenches and pouring concrete. Eventually she asked if she could go and watch from up close. I thought there'll be no harm in it. She gathered up her little bucket and spade to help with the construction.
The builders took little time warming to her. The contractor, ever aware of public liability issues, fashioned a hard hat from an ice cream container and a plastic strap, the painter colored it fluoro pink, the carpenter let her fetch nails, the brickie showed her how to add water to the stuff in the cement mixer, and in that vein she was fully occupied for the rest of the week. On Friday afternoon everybody chipped in a dollar or two, folded some paper to make it look like a pay packet and gave it to her.
I thought, this is a good opportunity to encourage frugality. I suggested we go to the bank with her first ever wages and open an account just for her. She thought that was a good idea. Once she had enough money, she'd be able to buy a pony.
The bank, when we finally got to it, was very busy. By the time we advanced to the head of the queue, dozens more customers were waiting behind us. The teller looked at me. I pointed down at my princess, who was clutching her pay envelope, but the teller could not see her. So I lifted her up on to the counter. "Oh! What have we here?" he asked. "My wages," she told him. "I'm a builder." "Oh, have you been building something?" he continued. "Yes. I'm building my neighbor's entertainment area," she announced proudly, "but it's not finished yet." "So, you'll earn more money next week?" The teller was getting into the swing of it. "Sure," said my darling, and then raised her voice: "but only if the c u n t s from Dunstone's deliver the FN bricks on time."
A retired colonel and his wife are sitting at a table at a party with some of his fellow officers. When the wife gets up to go to the bar, one of the cigarette girls comes over to the man and says, "Say, honey, you don't look like you're having much fun. When was the last time you had some action?"
The old colonel replies, "1945."
The girl runs her fingers down his lapel and looks him in the eye. "Ah, there's your problem," she says, standing up and looking back over her shoulder. "I'll be over by the piano if you need anything."
As the girl turns to leave, the wife returns to the table and says, "What was that all about?"
The old colonel says, "That young lady seems to think I have a problem because I haven't had sex since 1945."
The wife says, "Well, what does she expect from a man your age? It's only 2100 right now!"
Three things I want to do before I die.
1) Swim with sharks.
A guy starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does so, a huge fish jumps out of the water and bites him. To show the fish who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the Lions. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he gets attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two of the chimps with his spade, killing them both. 'Feed them to the lions.' He says to himself. So he hurls the corpses into the Lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the Lions cage. Later that day a new Lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion
and says "Alright pal. What's the food like here?" The Lion replies, "FN brilliant man, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."
A Very Merry Christmas and a Healthy and Happy New Year to all and to all a good night.
Julian 🌫
