An ex girlfriend had a parakeet. It was horrible - oh my God that FN thing never shut up!
Parakeet was cool though.
I walked into a juice bar and ordered a smoothie.
The Mexican behind the counter asked, "would you like me to add any milk protein ?"
I responded, "No whey, Jose."
A man is driving a beat up transit van at well over the speed limit. A policeman sitting in a layby clocks the van and pulls him over.
“Sir,” says the policeman. “Are you aware that the back of your van is full of penguins?
“Yep,” says the man. “They’re my penguins. They belong to me.”
The policeman looks at the man in disbelief and then back at the penguins, who noot at him.
“Sir, I’m afraid this is unacceptable. It´s far too hot for that many penguins to be cooped up in the back of a van. I need you to take them to a zoo immediately.”
The man replies, “I’ll take them right away,” and drives off.
The next day, the police officer sees the same exact van speeding again and to his astonishment, after pulling the van over it is still rammed full of penguins.
The officer gapes at him and says, “Sir, I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!”
“Yes, I did,” the man replies. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”
Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems.
The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a pee, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."
"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a poop, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".
The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I pee like a racehorse”
“and at 8:30, I poop like a pig!”
“The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."
Have a good weekend and stay safe and healthy. 🌫
