An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams Oh my God, "says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there, "says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that !"
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
An elderly couple are having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table and took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will have been married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by "good reasons"?"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?" Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge." "I recall that," said Henry."And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that! Now tell me about the third time."
"All right," Martha said. "So, do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?"
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they're arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling "shut up!" at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Everyone stay safe and have a good weekend. 🌫
