Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?

Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?

They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO.

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

but wait if i was offended then i can't be offended by not being offended because i was offended because i was not offended.....

forget it i confused myself

they are funny.

It's all I seem to remember from that time (almost)

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, lying in front of your door?

Matt

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, lying in your garden?

Rock

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, floating in your pool?

Bob

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, hanging on a wall?

Art

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, that goes fishing with you?

Rod

Why should women just go ahead and marry younger men?

They never mature anyways.

What's the difference between government bonds and men?

Government bonds mature.

Three men walked into a bar. You'd think one would have ducked...

How do you keep a blonde busy all day?

Give her a bag of M&M's and have her alphabetize them.

How do you confuse a blonde?

Put her in a round room and tell her to stand in the corner.

Why did the blonde spend all day staring at the orange juice carton?

It said "concentrate".

Why did the group of blondes celebrate completing a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months?

The box said 3-5 years.

What drink do you get when you mix prune juice and orange juice?

A piledriver

2. Top 20 Ways To Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped:

20) The cucumber has left the salad.

19) I can see the gun of Navarone.

18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17) You've got Windows in your laptop.

16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15) Your soldier isn't so unknown now.

14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.

13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked

position.

11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

TTTTThhhhhhaaaaaatttttt's All Folks!

Exit-stage right,

Suzi

Skip

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, by your shrub?

Chip

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, and a bun?

Frank

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, under a car?

Jack

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, on a tree branch?

Bud

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, in a hole?

Phil

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, in a bog?

Pete

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, on the shore?

Sandy

What do you call an FBC member with no arms, no legs, in the North Atlantic?

Derek

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, by the shore?

Doc

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, on stage?

Mike