thought you'd all enjoy this....
Gallic Wars (against Rome)-- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian. --
Hundred Years War -- Mostly lost, but saved at the last moment by a schizophrenic teenaged girl who inadvertently creates the First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars-- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars against the Italians.
Wars of Religion-- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
Thirty Years War-- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution-- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War -- Tied.
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War -- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles the world over to label this period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession -- Lost. This war also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
American Revolution -- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as the "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution -- Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars -- Lost. Temporary victories due to leadership of a Corsican (remember the First Rule!), who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War -- Lost. Germany plays the role of a drunk frat boy to France's ugly-girl-home-alone-on-a-Saturday-night.
World War I -- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but with one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
World War II -- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel song. --
War in Indochina -- Lost. French forces plead sickness, and take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion -- Lost. This marks the first defeat of a western army by a non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimo.
War on Terrorism -- France, keeping in mind its history, surrenders to German and Muslim groups just to play it safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
