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giving your doctor a "specimen"
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ScottHar Offline
#1 Posted: Mon, Jul 27 2009, 8:42 AM EST
Joined: 01-05-2007
Posts: 9,844
So...

I got "clipped" by my urologist last October and he's giving me grief because I haven't gone back to give him two, ah, "specimens." Apparently, two specimens in a row without any "swimmers" = the vasectomy totally worked, and we can pull the goalie and not worry when the puck goes into the net (etc.).

But.

His nurse gave me two sterile specimen containers and when I asked if I should excuse myself and go into the bathroom, she said, "No." But before I could whip it out right there in the exam room, she told me I should take care of it at home and bring the sample to the doc's office within one hour.

I asked if she had any special instructions or tips on technique and she just laughed and said, "No, just go for it."

My problem is that I live in L.A. and our freeway system is awful. I can make it to the doc's office from my house if there's zero traffic, but otherwise it's unpredictable and can take more than an hour.

So do I jerk it in the men's room downstairs from the doc's office? Do I rub one out in the parking lot (in my car)? His office isn't far from my office, but MrsHar has already told me I'm not allowed to do the convenient thing and have an intern "help" me.

This is gonna be weird (plus, the men's room downstairs from his office doesn't have anyplace I could easily put my laptop -- like, no changing station, or whatever).

Anyway, I figured some of you deviants would have some good tips on masturbating in semi-public.

ScottHar
gringococolo Offline
#2 Posted: Mon, Jul 27 2009, 8:45 AM EST
Joined: 02-04-2006
Posts: 4,626
I would just get it done there. Give it back steaming hot.

No problem, just find a single stall crapper or walk to the local peep show "toy" store.
wheelrite Offline
#3 Posted: Mon, Jul 27 2009, 8:48 AM EST
Joined: 11-01-2006
Posts: 50,119
Police Officer,
"Is there a reason why you were driving 100mph in a school Zone?"

Scott,
"Yes Officer,The Nurse is waiting for my Spunk"

Officer,
"Sir.Step out of the Prius and keep your hands out of your pockets"


wheel,,
Stinkdyr Offline
#4 Posted: Mon, Jul 27 2009, 9:00 AM EST
Joined: 06-16-2009
Posts: 9,948
"Ah sir, I don't want you to think I am profiling you or anything. But you do look like a serial wanker to me."
engletl Offline
#5 Posted: Mon, Jul 27 2009, 9:06 AM EST
Joined: 12-26-2000
Posts: 26,493
where is andytv when you need him???
ScottHar Offline
#6 Posted: Mon, Jul 27 2009, 10:08 AM EST
Joined: 01-05-2007
Posts: 9,844
It occurs to me that there may be a business opportunity for an enterprising young lady out there. If I can pay a few bucks to have a notary come to my office and take care of official documents, shouldn't I be able to pay a little something and have a specimen "extracted" and then transported?

This could create many, many new "jobs", no? (I'm suddenly feeling very patriotic.)

ScottHar
rfenst Offline
#7 Posted: Mon, Jul 27 2009, 1:28 PM EST
Joined: 06-23-2007
Posts: 39,360
Just make certain that the documentation makes it very clear that you are only paying her to assist you in transporting the specimen to the doctor's office, NOT FOR ASSISTING IN THE EXRACTION!
pacman357 Offline
#8 Posted: Mon, Jul 27 2009, 3:06 PM EST
Joined: 02-27-2006
Posts: 42,596
I just say go your usual route. Michael Jackson mask, one sequined glove, park outside the local KinderCare...
gringococolo Offline
#9 Posted: Mon, Jul 27 2009, 3:13 PM EST
Joined: 02-04-2006
Posts: 4,626
^ along those lines....

"Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it
No one wants to be defeated
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right
Just beat it, beat it
Just beat it, beat it
Just beat it, beat it
Just beat it, beat it"...
8trackdisco Offline
#10 Posted: Mon, Jul 27 2009, 3:23 PM EST
Joined: 11-06-2004
Posts: 60,090
Wait until 10 minute short of the office. Take the visual of your intern with her sex tape from your spank bank, and commence Phoning The Czar.

If a police officer arrive in mid-jack, tell him moments ago you were the victim of a road rage incident, and you were in the process taking the advice of the nice Hells Angels man.

Or, you could keep the sample in a bag, in your armpit and the swimmers can last another 10 minutes. Although the sample will then taste different.
DrMaddVibe Offline
#11 Posted: Mon, Jul 27 2009, 4:12 PM EST
Joined: 10-21-2000
Posts: 55,507
I TRIPLE dog dare you to punch the munchkin right there in front of the office nurse!
wheelrite Offline
#12 Posted: Mon, Jul 27 2009, 4:28 PM EST
Joined: 11-01-2006
Posts: 50,119
^ What DMV said..

but, when you get your nutt cry and call out for mommy.


wheel,,
pacman357 Offline
#13 Posted: Mon, Jul 27 2009, 5:27 PM EST
Joined: 02-27-2006
Posts: 42,596
#12 Oh man, SOMEONE has issues!
wheelrite Offline
#14 Posted: Mon, Jul 27 2009, 6:12 PM EST
Joined: 11-01-2006
Posts: 50,119
^^
What ???

you mean you dont't cry and...

oh never mind.

wheel,,
FuzzNJ Offline
#15 Posted: Mon, Jul 27 2009, 6:41 PM EST
Joined: 06-28-2006
Posts: 13,000
I couldn't do that. I'm so backed up right now it would come out like a wax dart and shatter the specimen container and ruin the entire test. Yet there are serial killers out there who are balls deep in a bitch right now. Makes no freakin' sense. ;)
tbrochin Offline
#16 Posted: Tue, Jul 28 2009, 6:39 AM EST
Joined: 06-01-2008
Posts: 8,164
^ Is that why you're always so grumpy?
FuzzNJ Offline
#17 Posted: Tue, Jul 28 2009, 6:41 AM EST
Joined: 06-28-2006
Posts: 13,000
Yup!

Must I even point out humor?
[email protected] Offline
#18 Posted: Tue, Jul 28 2009, 7:33 AM EST
Joined: 01-25-2002
Posts: 9,719
Scott,

... make sure you keep your legs spread wide and "tap your foot" while you're in the stall ...
robertknyc Offline
#19 Posted: Tue, Jul 28 2009, 7:49 AM EST
Joined: 07-24-2003
Posts: 5,475
Unbanned Jimmy?
[email protected] Offline
#20 Posted: Tue, Jul 28 2009, 8:04 AM EST
Joined: 01-25-2002
Posts: 9,719
^ yes Robert, I am "unbanned" and actually have been for over a week ... just really had nothing to add so I was lurking ...

... thanks again to you and EBB for/with the fundraiser for Tony (Neo)... and yes, I hope you enjoy the cigars ... I'm pretty much at maximum capacity with my humi's and I really wasn't in it to go after/win the cigars ... I just couldn't resist a good sniping at the last minute ... and it was fun to see that you and EBB tried the same thing ... but, it was all in fun and it sounded like (from across the board) with the fundraiser as well as the off-line (private) donations that we were able to fully fund Neo's trip ... and I was going to make a decent donation regardless, so why not make it fun at the same time, right?

- did you get your cigars?

- and I dunno "whom" did it, but someone sent me a few of my favorite sticks ... the Pinar 1958 Series B Rothschild ... dunno why, but I really love that earthy, hearty almost 'peppery' flavor of those sticks ... most people hate them, but I actually prefer those over the Opus X ... they're right up there (in my book) with the not so easy to get 'authentic' Fonseca #1's as far as my favorites go - but they are two totally different smokes ...
JadeRose Offline
#21 Posted: Tue, Jul 28 2009, 8:15 AM EST
Joined: 05-15-2008
Posts: 19,525
I thought I felt a disturbance in the force.......Welcome back Jimmy....




(seriously)
gringococolo Offline
#22 Posted: Tue, Jul 28 2009, 8:27 AM EST
Joined: 02-04-2006
Posts: 4,626
This time is now know as "B + and counting":

"18. Author: [email protected] Date: 07/28/2009 12:33 PM"

It means from this time until Jimmy is banned. ("ban plus" and counting.) A joke so stupid I have to explain it.

Welcome back anyway.


Gringo
[email protected] Offline
#23 Posted: Tue, Jul 28 2009, 9:17 AM EST
Joined: 01-25-2002
Posts: 9,719
Re: #21

... and comments like that are why I didn't even bother posting for the past week ... I know that there will always be a select few (and you know who you are) that are going to punt comments like that, but don't worry, I'll not reference you in any of my posts and avoid your comments ... so it would be appreciated if you'd simply do the same - fair enough?
DrafterX Offline
#24 Posted: Tue, Jul 28 2009, 9:22 AM EST
Joined: 10-18-2005
Posts: 98,560
what was wrong with Jade's comment..??
robertknyc Offline
#25 Posted: Tue, Jul 28 2009, 9:26 AM EST
Joined: 07-24-2003
Posts: 5,475
20.
Welcome back Jimmy. Yes, the fundraiser was fun and worked out well, thanks for your contributions. I got 10 from Neo and seven from lluvia, which I guess is everything. Some great sticks, most I've never had, so looking forward to smoking them. So did SteveR let you out of time out after a few weeks, or did you have to beg?
lluvia Offline
#26 Posted: Tue, Jul 28 2009, 9:33 AM EST
Joined: 09-14-2008
Posts: 39,062
robert- I would be so sure about the sticks
"from NEO" are from an anonymous donor

refer to Hello pic thread for an incoming DC# ...one is yours I believe



hi jimmy!
[email protected] Offline
#27 Posted: Tue, Jul 28 2009, 9:40 AM EST
Joined: 01-25-2002
Posts: 9,719
Drafter,

... nothing really when it comes down to it, but the simple "I thought I felt a disturbance in the force" part just runs par with some others like where he called Cousin_Eddie "Jimmy" in another post:

2. Author: JadeRose Date: 07/22/2009 10:46 AM Reply
LOL....nice picture, Jimmy.

er, uuh Eddie.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

... and it's not like I was on here "pinging" on him or making any other sort of reference ... but when I have responded to some others in the past they usually are the first to cry foul ...

... so, I'll just keep to myself and the others that I correspond with on & off the boards and the rest are welcome and I will personally encourage them to do so ... seriously, if you KNOW that there is a difference in personalities - why even bother pushing the envelope ... as well, when 2 people on here have a "difference of opinion", it would be a lot better for the boards if everyone else just stayed out of it and didn't try to stir the pot ...

... years back, this was a much different place and yes, I do miss a lot of the BOTL/SOTL that don't bother frequenting the boards anymore just because of how it is today ... way too much drama over so many little issues and there are those that get along and those that don't ... but I just don't see any reason for anyone to go stirring the pot or jumping into the middle of any differences between anyone on the boards ...

... this is NOT directed at Jade or anyone else in particular - but those persons that do this sort of stuff know who they are and I'm just saying upfront that I'm not going to behave in the same manner nor am I going to be one of the those that is going to instigate any flame-wars ...

... for online postings, unless you really know someone (personally), it's extremely difficult to show and express emotions and it boils down to a simple matter of opinion ... there are some folks on here that I can/will "ping" on and it will be all in fun and they fully know who they are ... I also speak with them on the telephone, have herfed with some of them, and all the while, I - nor do they - feel the need to share this with the boards in an open forum ...

... I'd just like to see a lot of the FOGs return and see things lively and fun and when/if two BOTL/SOTL ruffle each others feathers, well, it won't likely get out of hand as long everyone else stays out of it and doesn't stir the pot ...

... so, that's about all I've got to say about that and I'm going to leave it at that ...

... so seriously, is that too much to ask?

(don't worry - I'm not even going to respond to any further posts regarding this or any other comments that come up - that can be resolved off the boards)
HockeyDad Offline
#28 Posted: Tue, Jul 28 2009, 9:53 AM EST
Joined: 09-20-2000
Posts: 46,163
Fricking newbies and their sermons!
[email protected] Offline
#29 Posted: Tue, Jul 28 2009, 9:54 AM EST
Joined: 01-25-2002
Posts: 9,719
Re: #25

Robert,

... actually, I'd just asked SteveR nicely to allow me to post during the fundraiser for Neo and then go back to the 'banned' status after that ... but he went ahead and simply reinstated me (which I do appreciate) - maybe even before that fundraiser was over - but I'm not sure about that - it could have been right after ... but I was REALLY wanting to keep bumping the offers since I was already in the mix as the anonymous 'matching funds donor' (which Erica was supposed to keep secret and not disclose my name for fear of ruining my reputation here on the boards of course .. LOL) and my goal was, in reality, just to make sure that we could raise the $200.00 on here so that Neo would be getting a total of $400.00 to help him meet his goal ... then, with all of the cBid server issues, it didn't appear that we were going to even meet the $200 goal - so that's when I pledged the (additional) $100 towards the cigars - putting me (total) up to $300 - and then with you and EBB, well, it really took off nicely ... I had absolutely no idea that we would raise $940(ish) towards his trip - but it was/is really nice to see that we could accomplish that here on the forum ... besides that, well, I've been very fortunate over the years with finances and I really wanted to help out Neo and his cause for the orphanage ... I'd rather donate money to something like that over making political contributions ... which is something my wife (because of jobs) are pretty much "obligated" to continue making campaign contributions and/or going to fund raisers for certain political persons ... this was a totally different kind of fundraiser and well worth every penny when compared to what other contributions I've made ...
[email protected] Offline
#30 Posted: Tue, Jul 28 2009, 9:59 AM EST
Joined: 01-25-2002
Posts: 9,719
... and now, I'm going to politely quit thread-jacking Scott's jacking post ... (no pun intended ... :-)


Scott - just "concentrate" on maple syrup and naked playmates ... it'll all come together ...

FWIW - I got snipped about 8yrs ago ... the wife went off the pill about 3mos later and well, 8yrs later ... she's still not gotten knocked up ... I never did give a sample either before or after the surgery ... besides, the surgery is not 100% effective and yes, your "jewels" can "heal" over a few years and you could find yourself becoming a new daddy all over again regardless of what the results say ... but you should keep using birth control for about 3 months after the "V" and just keep "flushing" your tubes out ... after that ... it's pretty much God's will in what will happen ...
wheelrite Offline
#31 Posted: Tue, Jul 28 2009, 10:08 AM EST
Joined: 11-01-2006
Posts: 50,119
IT'S ALIVE !!

Welcome back Jimmy ...



wheel,
[email protected] Offline
#32 Posted: Tue, Jul 28 2009, 10:16 AM EST
Joined: 01-25-2002
Posts: 9,719
^ Wheelie !!!

... nice "excellent adventure" post/pics ...

... I love it as well when my wife points out "did you see that" ...

... hey, it's a good life when your wife can show & tell and both realizes and accepts the fact that we are men and we are genetically programmed to act and think like we do ... and for the wives, yes, it is an ego boost for any 40yr old woman to have 18yr old boys breaking their necks in trying to catch a good look when they walk past ...

... and no, there is absolutely nothing a 20yr woman has over a 40yr old woman that takes care of herself ... I'd take a 40yr old woman over two 20yr old women any day of the week ... mature, sexy and confident women totally rule in my book ... they know what they want, they have very few hang-ups about anything, and they certainly know how to rock your world when they put their minds to it ...

- congrats on your trip ... sounds like you two had a blast ... way to go my man ...
wheelrite Offline
#33 Posted: Tue, Jul 28 2009, 10:32 AM EST
Joined: 11-01-2006
Posts: 50,119
^^
Well put !

glad to hear from ya...


wheel,
[email protected] Offline
#34 Posted: Tue, Jul 28 2009, 4:15 PM EST
Joined: 01-25-2002
Posts: 9,719
^ ... just about as honest and straight-forward of a post as you can make ...

... and I'll be the first to admit it that when the wife and I are having a night out on the town and I catch some young Casanova wannabe staring at my wife and just wishing he could ... I have to laugh ... because first of all, I take it as a compliment to know that she can turn the head of a 20yr kid and second, I laugh because even if the litle wannabe did stand a snowball's chance in hell of a score like her ... he wouldn't have a clue as to what to do and he'd be ruined for years to come for any girl even close to his own age ...

I remember when I was 19 yrs old ... there was this 37yr old MILF that was hitting on me at a club one night ... she was a hottie ... had a son that was just about 3yrs younger than me (not even 3 actually)...

... anyway, she was persistent, had a killer body, was on the rebound and just starting to go through a divorce ... come to find out - her soon to be ex- was her "first" and was the only other guy she'd ever been with ... that woman (after buying me drinks for several hours) loaded me up in her car ... took me home with her and kept me there for the next two days (the rest of the weekend) ...

... needless to say ... before that night ... I had NO idea of what a real woman could and would do willingly and eagerly ... as well as calling one of her girlfriends to come over and make sure I had a reason to come back for more ... she "used" me for about 6 months until her divorce was over and she eventually found someone else her own age to play with ... but she had me on a very short string ... didn't matter what else was on the plate in front of me on any given night ... she'd call ... make an invitation ... and I'd leave whatever/whoever I was doing and head on over to her place ... I just could not resist ...

- every young man deserves such an opportunity in my opinion ...

... and again, my compliments to your wife ... and I mean that as a complete gentleman ... (for the most part ... :-)
gringococolo Offline
#35 Posted: Tue, Jul 28 2009, 4:27 PM EST
Joined: 02-04-2006
Posts: 4,626
Scott,

Can we get an update on what happened?

Did you get candles and baby oil and slip in the shower working on your sample?

Inquiring minds want to know. Well, not the specifics.
pacman357 Offline
#36 Posted: Tue, Jul 28 2009, 4:46 PM EST
Joined: 02-27-2006
Posts: 42,596
OK, Scott. I have the best idea so far...that is for shock value.

Ask your wife to go with you to the doctor's office. Out in the hallway, have her take a spoonful of marshmallow creme. Kraft sells it by the jar. You both walk in, and you announce that you're there to provide your specimen. Ask for a cup, and when they hand you one, hold it in front of your wife's mouth and say

"spit, honey".
8trackdisco Offline
#37 Posted: Tue, Jul 28 2009, 4:51 PM EST
Joined: 11-06-2004
Posts: 60,090
'..Well, not the specifics. ..'
--------------------------

Aw hell, why not the specifics too.
gringococolo Offline
#38 Posted: Tue, Jul 28 2009, 5:27 PM EST
Joined: 02-04-2006
Posts: 4,626
This thread is useless without pictures.
ScottHar Offline
#39 Posted: Wed, Jul 29 2009, 7:52 AM EST
Joined: 01-05-2007
Posts: 9,844
There's no set timetable for when I have to...you know.

Right now, the specimen containers are safely wrapped away in my car. Next time I'm in the neighborhood of my urologist, I'll just...

Well, I'll let you know how it all comes out.

ScottHar

P.S. Re #36: Pacman, you're a sick, sick man. And very funny. I like this idea.
DrMaddVibe Offline
#40 Posted: Wed, Jul 29 2009, 8:04 AM EST
Joined: 10-21-2000
Posts: 55,507
Clamato would prolly offer better shock value.
ScottHar Offline
#41 Posted: Tue, Mar 2 2010, 3:46 PM EST
Joined: 01-05-2007
Posts: 9,844
The nurse from my urologist's office called today and asked if I was going to be masturbating in the neighborhood anytime soon (well, that's not exactly what she said, but it's what she meant).

It's still on my "to do" list, so to speak.

ScottHar
andytv Offline
#42 Posted: Tue, Mar 2 2010, 4:04 PM EST
Joined: 10-23-2002
Posts: 40,991
whatever you decide, you should give the jars back with a pube or two stuck on the outside and/or caught under the lid.
blackfoot11 Offline
#43 Posted: Tue, Mar 2 2010, 4:08 PM EST
Joined: 02-11-2004
Posts: 9,593
mabey put a 'lil hair conditioner on the side of the jar................here ya go 'mam...........
lluvia Offline
#44 Posted: Tue, Mar 2 2010, 4:34 PM EST
Joined: 09-14-2008
Posts: 39,062
get it done before you have a new little surprise on the way...unless deep down you really want one:)
educatedbusboy Offline
#45 Posted: Tue, Mar 2 2010, 4:41 PM EST
Joined: 06-16-2007
Posts: 2,115
wow #20 & #29
how did I get tread "jacked " into one of Scotthars
**** posts lol !!

EBB
chiefburg Offline
#46 Posted: Tue, Mar 2 2010, 5:06 PM EST
Joined: 01-31-2005
Posts: 7,384
None of this surprises me about Scott. But, there are two things I am surprised about:

- Gringo knows the words to "Beat It" and quoted it in a thread.

- Fuzz's "balls deep in a bitch" comment (something really disturbing about this and shows his love of women).

Scott: Geez Louise....rub a couple out and get it over with. You've got more "motivation" in front of you all day long then most of have all year long. You should be able to cut diamonds with that thing!
gringococolo Offline
#47 Posted: Tue, Mar 2 2010, 5:19 PM EST
Joined: 02-04-2006
Posts: 4,626
So this guy runs into a sperm bank with a mask on and yells; "this is a hold up, nobody move, give me what you got!!"

Lady at the counter says, "sir, you don't understand this is a sperm bank, we dont have any money!"

He says, "give me a bottle of then!!"

"O.K., but sir that's not worth..." "Shut up, give me the bottle!"

"O.K. sir, here you go."

Masked man hands her the bottle and says, "now drink it!"

"What???" she says.

"drink it, now!!!!"

"O.K." she drinks the sample.

Man pulls off the mask, revealing that he is the husband of the counter attendant and says, "see, that wasn't so bad was it dear?"
pacman357 Offline
#48 Posted: Tue, Mar 2 2010, 6:00 PM EST
Joined: 02-27-2006
Posts: 42,596
It's almost spring time. That means pond stores, pet stores, fish stores, etc., will be stocking up, especially in warmer climates.

So WTF does this have to do with you? I say go get some tadpoles, put them in the specimen jars, then take them to your doctor's office. Tell the nurse that you have been taking steroids (make up a reason, like a lung ailment or something) and that you had to leave the specimen sitting on your dash in the California sun, and you sure hope that doesn't affect the outcome of the test.

Then just leave the jars with her and walk out.
daveincincy Offline
#49 Posted: Wed, Mar 3 2010, 3:58 AM EST
Joined: 08-11-2006
Posts: 20,033
You just interviewed a bunch of Playmates. It seems this would have been the perfect time for you to take care of your business with the urologist. You asked if we had any questions for you to ask them while in your office. Here's one...."will you help me fill this up?" And, yes, I mean help fill it to the top. LOL
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