> > When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who
> > died peacefully in his
> > sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his
> > car."
> >
> > --Author Unknown
> >
> > Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and
> > you get a headache, do
> > what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two
> > aspirin" and "Keep away from
> > children"
> >
> > --Author Unknown
> >
> > "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
> > There's a support group for
> > that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the
> > bar."
> >
> > --Drew Carey
> >
> > "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find
> > a woman I don't like and
> > just give her a house,"
> >
> > --Rod Stewart
> >
> > "The problem with the designated driver program,
> > it's not a desirable job,
> > but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun
> > with it. At the end of the
> > night, drop them off at the wrong house."
> >
> > --Jeff Foxworthy
> >
> > "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and
> > a ****, and only enough
> > blood to run one at a time."
> >
> > --Robin Williams
> >
> > "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly
> > ball and saving an infant's
> > life, she will choose to save the infant's life
> > without even considering if
> > there is a man on base."
> >
> > --Dave Barry
> >
> > "What do people mean when they say the computer went
> > down on them?"
> >
> > --Marilyn Pittman
> >
> > "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job,
> > and we should treat it
> > like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to
> > leave you, they should
> > give you two weeks' notice. There should be
> > severance pay, and before they
> > leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
> >
> > --Bob Ettinger
> >
> > "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone
> > took her out in the lake
> > and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they
> > weren't trying to teach you
> > how to swim."
> >
> > --Paula Poundstone
> >
> > "A study in the Washington Post says that women have
> > better verbal skills
> > than men. I just want to say to the authors of that
> > study: "Duh."
> >
> > --Conan O'Brien
> >
> > "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
> > halfway through my fish
> > burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be
> > eating a slow learner."
> >
> > --Lynda Montgomery
> >
> > "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of
> > people in New York said,
> > 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it
> > just isn't cold enough.
> > Let's go west.'"
> >
> > --Richard Jeni
> >
> > "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
> > impersonators would be
> > dead."
> >
> > --Johnny Carson
> >
> > "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
> > geography."
> >
> > --Paul Rodriguez
> >
> > "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
> > turned sixty, and that's
> > the law."
> >
> > --Jerry Seinfeld
> >
> > "Remember in elementary school, you were told that
> > in case of fire you have
> > to line up quietly in a single file line from
> > smallest to tallest. What is
> > the logic in that? What, do tall people burn
> > slower?"
> >
> > --Warren Hutcherson
> >
> > "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
> > Monogamy is the same."
> >
> > --Oscar Wilde
> >
> > "Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a
> > member of Congress...
> > but I repeat myself."
> >
> > --Mark Twain
> >
> > "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
> > student. At least they
> > can find Afghanistan."
> >
> > --A. Whitney Brown
> >
> > "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to
> > rip out a man's genitals
> > through his wallet."
> >
> > --Robin Williams
> >
> > "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I
> > think of it as the only
> > time of the month that I can be myself."
> >
> > --Roseanne
> >
> > "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a
> > place."
> >
> > --Billy Crystal
> >
> > "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
> > will give you a look
> > that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've
> > thought of that!'"
> >
> > --Dave Barry
> >
> > Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because " Mad
> > Cow Disease" was taken.
> >
> > --Unknown, and presumed deceased
