Bud you stay away from peppery cigars how bout chili??
INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster named FRANK,who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
- JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
- JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
- FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me
two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the
worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
- JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
Jalapeno tang.
- JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.
- FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not
sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had
to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
- JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.
Needs more beans.
- JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use
of red peppers.
- FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill.
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting ****-faced from all the beer.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
- JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
- JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
chili.
- FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out
taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind
me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting
to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
- JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.
- JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use
more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
strong statement.
- FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
- JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spice and peppers.
- JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
- FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself
when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought.
Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass
with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
- JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.
- JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
- FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost
the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
full of lava-like **** to match my damn shirt. At
least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need
air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in
my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
- JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.
- JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced
chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of
it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over
and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how
he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
- FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was
unable to report
Have a great 4th.
