People today are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next door, no one would even use the cigarette machine.

Oh my God! Someone's trying to kill me! Oh wait, it's for Bart.

Mr. Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots! Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over you, what would you say?
Smithers: If you did it, sir?

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Aww, don't get excited. It's just a skull-shaped rock and a bunch of white sticks.

Homer no function beer well without.

Oh my God! Someone's taken a bite out of the giant rice krispy square! Oh yeah, and the waiter's been brutally beaten.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I know I'm not usually a praying man, but if you're up there, please, Superman, help me!

Help us Jeebus! X

Pffft, I know a genuine Panaphonics when I see it. And look, there's Magnetbox and Sorny

I am so smart, I am so smart. S-M-R-T. I mean S-M-A-R-T.