big chief
Tuesday, June 30, 2009 5:33:00 AM
Screamin' seafaring tale wins bad writing contest

SAN JOSE, Calif. – A shambling sentence about screaming seafarers on the sturdy whaler Ellie May stood shoulders above the rest in an annual bad writing contest. David McKenzie, 55, of Federal Way, Wash., won the grand prize in San Jose State University's annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest with this:

"Folks say that if you listen real close at the height of the full moon, when the wind is blowin' off Nantucket Sound from the nor' east and the dogs are howlin' for no earthly reason, you can hear the awful screams of the crew of the "Ellie May," a sturdy whaler Captained by John McTavish; for it was on just such a night when the rum was flowin' and, Davey Jones be damned, big John brought his men on deck for the first of several screaming contests."

The contest, a parody of prose, invites entrants to submit bad opening sentences to imaginary novels. It is named after Victorian writer Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton, who opened his 1830 novel "Paul Clifford," with the much-quoted, "It was a dark and stormy night ..."

Contest categories include purple prose and vile puns. Among other winners announced Monday were:

• "How best to pluck the exquisite Toothpick of Ramses from between a pair of acrimonious vipers before the demonic Guards of Nicobar returned should have held Indy's full attention, but in the back of his mind he still wondered why all the others who had agreed to take part in his wife's holiday scavenger hunt had been assigned to find stuff like a Phillips screwdriver or blue masking tape," from Joe Wyatt of Amarillo, Texas, winner in the adventure category.

• "She walked into my office on legs as long as one of those long-legged birds that you see in Florida the pink ones, not the white ones except that she was standing on both of them, not just one of them, like those birds, the pink ones, and she wasn't wearing pink, but I knew right away that she was trouble, which those birds usually aren't," from Eric Rice of Sun Prairie, Wis., winner in the detective category.

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PecanPi1
Tuesday, June 30, 2009 5:38:00 AM
Very funny stuff.

No. 3 shoulda won.

jackconrad
Tuesday, June 30, 2009 5:48:00 AM
OMG .. The Long Legs one !
andytv
Tuesday, June 30, 2009 5:48:00 AM
The Tay Bridge Disaster

by: William Topaz McGonagall

Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silv'ry Tay!

Alas! I am very sorry to say

That ninety lives have been taken away

On the last Sabbath day of 1879,

Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

'Twas about seven o'clock at night,

And the wind it blew with all its might,

And the rain came pouring down,

And the dark clouds seem'd to frown,

And the Demon of the air seem'd to say-

"I'll blow down the Bridge of Tay."

When the train left Edinburgh

The passengers' hearts were light and felt no sorrow,

But Boreas blew a terrific gale,

Which made their hearts for to quail,

And many of the passengers with fear did say-

"I hope God will send us safe across the Bridge of Tay."

But when the train came near to Wormit Bay,

Boreas he did loud and angry bray,

And shook the central girders of the Bridge of Tay

On the last Sabbath day of 1879,

Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

So the train sped on with all its might,

And Bonnie Dundee soon hove in sight,

And the passengers' hearts felt light,

Thinking they would enjoy themselves on the New Year,

With their friends at home they lov'd most dear,

And wish them all a happy New Year.

So the train mov'd slowly along the Bridge of Tay,

Until it was about midway,

Then the central girders with a crash gave way,

And down went the train and passengers into the Tay!

The Storm Fiend did loudly bray,

Because ninety lives had been taken away,

On the last Sabbath day of 1879,

Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

As soon as the catastrophe came to be known

The alarm from mouth to mouth was blown,

And the cry rang out all o'er the town,

Good Heavens! the Tay Bridge is blown down,

And a passenger train from Edinburgh,

Which fill'd all the peoples hearts with sorrow,

And made them for to turn pale,

Because none of the passengers were sav'd to tell the tale

How the disaster happen'd on the last Sabbath day of 1879,

Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

It must have been an awful sight,

To witness in the dusky moonlight,

While the Storm Fiend did laugh, and angry did bray,

Along the Railway Bridge of the Silv'ry Tay,

Oh! ill-fated Bridge of the Silv'ry Tay,

I must now conclude my lay

By telling the world fearlessly without the least dismay,

That your central girders would not have given way,

At least many sensible men do say,

Had they been supported on each side with buttresses,

At least many sensible men confesses,

For the stronger we our houses do build,

The less chance we have of being killed.

PecanPi1
Tuesday, June 30, 2009 5:51:00 AM
I got this thing, ya see, for flamingos. Had it since I was a kid. Used to go onto the lawns of people my folks didn't know just so I could get close to lawn ornaments. The doctors said it was nothing to worry about, that I'd probably grow out of it. But I never did.
big chief
Tuesday, June 30, 2009 5:52:00 AM
Andy, that is a real nugget--what d'you do--collect that stuff?
andytv
Tuesday, June 30, 2009 5:54:00 AM
^came across that a while ago while searching for Vogon poetry.

McGonagall had a really interesting life.......can't tell if he was actually serious or not.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_McGonagall 

big chief
Tuesday, June 30, 2009 6:04:00 AM
^oh, man...even the wiki page had me cackling out loud!

That's funny!

duwan
Tuesday, June 30, 2009 7:05:00 AM
yep..I thank nuber three is the goodest of the bunch
PecanPi1
Tuesday, June 30, 2009 7:09:00 AM
Finally, a man with taste and acumen.
PecanPi1
Tuesday, June 30, 2009 7:10:00 AM
NEVERMIND!
big chief
Tuesday, June 30, 2009 8:43:00 AM
WTH is 'Vogon poetry'?
Propadope61
Tuesday, June 30, 2009 9:26:00 AM
bad righting

that aint hard too doo

jetblasted
Tuesday, June 30, 2009 10:26:00 AM
which one of the entries was jack's ?
pacman357
Tuesday, June 30, 2009 1:02:00 PM
Funny. I have to get in on those one of these days. Must be a mailing list or something to notify folks of these kinds of contests.
pacman357
Tuesday, June 30, 2009 2:18:00 PM
OMG!!!!!!! Not the Vogon poetry!!!!!

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!

big chief
Tuesday, June 30, 2009 6:27:00 PM
Andy,

what can I say?

When Doug Adams was new I was pretty hip. Now, not so much!

I concede--mercy!

Pufferbelle
Wednesday, July 1, 2009 1:08:00 AM
^

Pac--I think you and Andy ought to send in entries next year.

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I thought the third one was the best also, but they all were very funny.

Smoke a good one!

Suzi