Sucks.
As I sit here and reflect on the events that have invaded my life over the last year, I try to figure out what is going on and I am lost.
My father in law is dying. Stage 4 brain cancer is the diagnosis. 4 months ago, he was healthy, active, working and enjoying his life. Tonite, he is weak. Struggles to breath. Pulmonary embolisms fill his lungs. Cannot move. The cancer has made most of his body numb...without feeling. He has tubes and lines connected to his body and cant even feel when he needs to evacuate his bowels. He is not suffering in pain, but he is scared. My wife is a mess. We knew with the diagnosis that he wouldn't have long, but we had hopes chemo and radiation would possibly delay the results. No such luck.
As power of attorney, my wife met with the hospice nurses today and determined a course of action. He is DNR and wont live long outside of the hospital. He had a grandson born late last night and is very excited to see him. My feelings are that he will "let go" as soon as he meets and holds his grandson. The plan is to move him back to the nursing home tomorrow. He will spend his final days, hours, minutes there.
So why am I telling you this? No reason. I'm just venting. I'm sad. Not so much for my F-I-L as I know he will be out of his pain and suffering but more for my wife and kids. I hate to see my wife hurt. My children (8 & 5) are young and dont fully understand but they realize he is going to die. There is a good chance that he will either die on christmas or before and possibly have a funeral right around the holiday.
I haven't posted much over that last year. Hell, most probably dont know me anymore... But, I've always felt this is a place I could vent and that I do have several friends here. Not looking for sympathy or anything else. But if you do want to send positive vibes out, send them to my wife and kids. They need them.
tj2001cobra wrote:
My grandmother died not too long ago. She was 93-ish or so, fell, broke her hip. There was zero sense in doing a hip replacement. They put in screws, but with therapy, it was pretty clear that she was never going to leave that bed ever again.
She finally passed away at the age of 99. She spend several years in that bed, over half of it waiting to die.
What makes the story more poignant is that this was no timid woman - she was ALWAYS on the go. She was a product of the Great Depression. She cooked, cleaned, even ran a flower shop ceaslessly. She was a 100 lb dynamo in her earlier years. When her husband was diagnosed with Alzheimers in their 60s (70s? It was a long time ago) she took care of him up until it got so bad that she had to have him hospitalized. He died two weeks after being in the hospital. This woman was no hothouse flower in the least.
That momentum of life continued well into her 90s. She finally gave up golf at the age of 92. She could still hit the ball straight, but couldn't see it anymore. I really have no idea how she was able to hit it at all (but she did - every single time).
The fact is, you see someone like that for most of your life, and then you see them bedridden not for a year or two, but for a long span of years, and you never forget it. She took herself off of oxygen, stopped taking most of her meds, and even stopped eating. Well...she did eat. She ate nothing but sweets - chocolates, junk food, you name it. I guess she figured if she was going out, she was going out in HER terms.
It took several years, and day after day we saw her rot away. Whether it was the horrible looking wounds on her tissue paper-like skin. or the creeping dementia brought about from an oxygen-deprived brain, it was painful to go visit her; we did anyways. That was until one day she went to sleep, never really woke up, and spend the next couple of days mouth opened, twitching, giving up her ghost. It was as if the Grim Reaper had to pry her soul from her body - and no, I am not kidding or exaggerating in the least.
I don't want to marginalize what you or your father are going through. I know that it is rough. I've been in that same place you are with many family members thus far. But for what you are going through, be glad that the fight is relatively quick, that he is has the presence of mind to hang on for one look at his grandson. Hopefully the end is as merciful as it can be. Watching someone die who was strong and full of life is never easy. The best you can hope for is for the end to be swift, and as painless as possible.
So, these may not be hopeful or inspiring words. I doubt that anyone here could do that in a way that would help. Maybe something of what I wrote has some sort of beneficial impact.
