I filled out a job application for the local council today and under disabilities I put narcolepsy and tourettes syndrome. So not only will I be able to sleep at work, but if someone tries to wake me up I can tell them to F off.

I picked up a hitchhiker the other day. While we were conversing, he thanked me for picking him up and then said "Aren't you afraid I might be a serial killer?" I laughed and said "That's just silly...the odds of two serial killers in the same car at the same time is just astronomical...."

So I was just walking my dog, and I passed by my gay neighbor's house... He was standing on his balcony looking somewhat nervous, so I asked what was going on.

He said that he had gotten his dating app and his PizzaHut app all mixed up, and that there was a 9 inch meat lovers on it's way to his house, but he wasn't really sure what to expect.

Have a good weekend. 🌫 🍺

🤣

😂

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home.

An Oklahoma man was found dead in his home over the weekend.

Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.

The tub had been filled with milk and cornflakes, a banana was sticking out of his butt.

Police suspect a cereal killer.

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started........