A woman is hugely upset and sobbing because she has locked her keys inside her car. A passing soldier stops and assures her he can help, she looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens! Amazed she asks him how he did it, "Easy" he says, "These are my khakis"

Now the children are getting a little bit older, the husband & wife decided they needed to use secret "code words" to indicate when they wanted to have sex, so their kids will have no idea what they're talking about...
...so, they decided on the words relating to "typewriter."
This morning, he said to his wife that he wanted to, "type a letter" after breakfast.
The wife responded, "You can't type a letter right now, because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter."
He gave up, went in to the bathroom to shower and after about 2 minutes, his wife slunk in and purred, "False alarm, you can type that letter now."
He blushed and sputtered, "I already wrote the letter by hand."

An old man took his wife to see the doctor. After several tests the doctor told the old man that his wife either has AIDS or Alzheimer's but the tests couldn't determine which so far.
The old man asked the doctor what he should do. The doctor told him to take his wife to a strange neighborhood and let her out of the car, if she is able to find her way home, don't screw her.


This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman on the elevator.
I was starring at her boobs when she said "would you please press one"
So I did.
I don't remember much after that.

Have a good weekend. 🌫 🍺

😂

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The last was the best, the others just a smile.

You definitely have a good day.☀️

Elevator was my fav too....


Woman escapes grizzly attack with one shot from .25 ACP

This is a story of self control and marksmanship. A woman survived a GRIZZLY bear attack with ONE well placed shot from her itsy bitsy .25 caliber Beretta Jetfire.

These are her own words:

”While out hiking in Missoula, Montana with my boyfriend, we were surprised when a huge grizzly bear came charging at us out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire I would not be here today!

I yanked it out of my purse and fired one shot. It hit my boyfriend in his kneecap and the bear caught him easily. While the grizzly mauled the poor cripple, I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. I love that pistol. I'll find other boyfriends”.

Love the mouse gun for bears joke.

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🤣


he'd be dead if she said, "please press two"

More things to (hopefully) laugh about....



You come from dust and you will return to dust. That's why I don't dust. It could be someone I know.

Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at the mental hospital.

You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

For Sale: Parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.

They say marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of Charades.

I'd like to live like a poor man, only with lots of money!

Yogi Berra once said; Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Not in jail, not in a mental hospital, not in a grave- I guess I'm having a pretty good day!

This killing them with kindness is taking longer than I expected!

I started out with nothing. I still have most of it!

There is nothing scarier than that split second when you loose your balance in the shower and you think "THEY ARE GOING TO FIND ME NAKED."

One minute you're young and the next, you're turning down the stereo in your car to see better!

One day you will be able to tell your grandkids, "I survived the Great Toilet Paper Shortage of 2020."

And finally:
Never miss a good chance to shut up!.

=d> =d>

Your not fat, just pleasantly plump. 🐖

bad Boston accent

Me likey!
Even the khakis.
Think Chowdahead that’s originally from Chicago

A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks at the rabbit and asks "what will you have?" The rabbit replies "I have no idea. The only reason I'm here is because of autocorrect."

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. The first one says to the second one, "I think we screwed up the joke."

Two antennas meet, fall in love and decided to get married. The wedding was ok but the reception was incredible!

Today's funnies from my brother:

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”



There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and unstoppable. As each wrestlers legends grew, a match was set up between the two, America versus Russia. The match would be held in Texas.

John began training immediately. Every day his coach would tell him, “This Russian has a move called the Mongolian Death Grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian Death Grip. DO NOT let him get you in the Mongolian Death Grip”

The day of the match finally came. Just before each wrestler stepped onto the mat in front of the capacity crowd, the coach once again said, “Whatever you do, do not let him get you in the Mongolian death grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian death grip”.

Four seconds into the match, the Russian had the American in the Mongolian death grip. The coach buried his face into his hands and cursed John for not listening to his advice. All of the sudden he heard the crowd irrupt in a chant of USA USA USA. He looked up and saw the Russian pinned by John. The coach ran out to meet John and embarrassingly told him, “I didn’t see... Once he had you in the Mongolian Death Grip I looked away. How in the world did you get out of the Mongolian death grip?”

With heavy breath, John told him “Well coach, that Russian grabbed me and twisted my body in ways I never imagined possible. I was wincing in pain when I open my eyes and right in front of me were two testicles. So I bit them.”

“What???” Said the coach... “John I don’t think that is legal. You could be disqualified”

“I don’t know about that coach. But I can tell you one thing. You ain’t got no idea how strong you are until you bite your own balls”




Hi Mom, it's me.

"Hi Sally, are you okay?
I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware store, looking for a drill."

"Yeah, I was, but I got arrested and they've let me make one phone call, and that's why I'm calling you."

"Oh my god Sally, what happened?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the face."

"What on earth . . . Why did you do that?"

"Well, it really wasn't my fault Mom.
Dad told me to find a Black and Decker.
Mom, I knocked the chit out of her!"

My body's absorbed so much hand sanitizer that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

Have a safe, spooky and healthy weekend. 🌫 🍺

Lol, just read all these, good stuff.

😂

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👍

Ace is the place, really excellent!
Good, 🐕-wrestler.
Way to go Buckwheat👍

much appreciated, Bro...thank you for the laffs!