😂 😂 😂

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So, years ago I met a talking donkey penned up behind a bar. I convinced him a gopher hole was donkey ****. It was rather mean on my part; he was just a dumb ass.

Asian jokes:

Why do Asian women have small boobs? Only A's are acceptable.
What do Asians call Dwayne Johnson? The Wok
Why can't Asians play baseball? They ate the bat.
Why don't Asian kids believe in Santa? They make all the toys.
Why didn't the Filipino banana go to work? He wasn't peeling well...

HA!

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, “Do you know what I use this for?”
The navigator replied timidly, “No, what’s it for?”
The pilot responded, “I use this on navigators who get me lost!”
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, “What’s that for?”
“To be honest sir,” the navigator replied, “I’ll know we’re lost before you will.”

An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old General sends for his trusty Indian Scout.
“Yumti-Bi,” he said, “you must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here.”
Yumti-Bi layed down and put his ear to the ground… “Large Heap – war party,” he says, “maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black horses, two on white stallions. All have warpaint…many many guns. Medicine man also with them.”
“Good grief!” exclaims the General, “you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground???”
“No, General,” replied the Indian, “I can see under the gate…”

A thief entered a house late one afternoon.

He tied up the woman and at knife point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.

The man started sobbing and said,

– You can take anything you want. But please untie the rope and free her!

Thief: –You must really love your wife!

Man: –Not particularly, but she will be coming home shortly!

😂 😂 😂

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Arguing with a woman is like reading the software agreement... you're going to ignore everything and just agree.

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head, and said, “You’re under arrest.
Tell me where you hid the loot, or I’ll blow your brains out.”
But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish.
Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger’s message.
The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
“What did he say?” asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, “He said Get lost, ****** dog, you don’t have the guts to shoot me.”

My friend got fired from his job as a bingo caller...

Apparently it is inappropriate to call out "meal for 2 with a hairy view" for 69.

😂

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox that said I can have sex at 73. I'm so happy because I live at number 71. So it's not too far to walk home afterwards. AND it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road!

=d> =d> =d>

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Why did Bloody cross the road..?? 😕

theyre on to us [gonzo]

last night I dreamed I was a vinyl record...


















I woke up feeling groovy.

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I consider myself to be a generous person.
I won $5,000 in a local raffle and donated a quarter of it to charity.
I’m going to Hawaii with the other $4,999.75.

They should make an alarm that sounds like a dog about ready to puke. Nothing gets you out of bed quicker.

I have now learned the true meaning of old age.
Yesterday, as I lay basking on my verandah, my wife, who was engaged in some domestic maintenance, came to me and said, “Darling, what I need is a really long screw.”
Without a single thought, I went out to the shed to look for one.

=d> =d> =d>

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