I didn't want to jack Natsmoker's music thread so I posted my own. How 'bout some musician jokes? I'll start it off with a few standards...

1. What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?

A drummer.

2. What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

3. A father gets his son bass lessons. When the boy comes home from lesson #1, the father asked what he learned. The boy points to the A string and says "This is the A string."

"Very good." says the father.

The next week he goes for lesson #2. When he gets home, his father again asks what he learned. The boy points to his E string and says "This is the E string."

"Great!" says the father.

Upon his return from lesson #3, the father again asked what he learned. The boy responds, "Lesson? $hit pop, I had a gig."

Why did god invent music?

So drummers have something to practice to.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?

Drool.

Two ladies walk into a restaurant that specializes in brains. On the menu they see:

1. Physician Brain $200.00 an ounce

2. Nuclear Scientist Brain $400.00 an ounce

3. Drummer Brains $900.00 an ounce

The ladies are suprised and ask the waiter; "Why so much for drummer brains?" The waiter replies; "Lady do you know how many drummers it takes to make an ounce of brains?"

Always dissin' the drummers...

But we get all the chicks!

What's the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?

Eventually the savings bond will mature.

How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?

The knocking speeds up and slows down.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

One - as long as the roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket.

What does a drum solo and premature ejacculation have in common?

You know its coming and there is nothing you can do about it.

What do you say to a drummer in a three-piece suit?

Will the defendant please rise.

I asked a drummer to spell "Mississippi.."

He said, "The river or the state?"

What do you call a kid with a set of druums?

The poster child for Birth Control.

What's the difference between a drummer and a foot massage?

A foot massage bucks up the feet, whereas a drummer...

What's the difference between a drummer and a battery?

A battery has got a plus-side...

Generally speaking, how late does a band play?

About two beats behind the drummer

What do you do when you come across a drrummer who is buried up to his neck in cement?

Get more cement!

Johnny comes home from school, and says to his

mum, "Mummy, I learned the alphabet today! The rest of the class messed up around F, but I made it all the way through!"

Johnny's mum says, "Very good, son. That's because you're a drummer."

Johnny comes home the next day and screams, "Mummy, Mummy, I counted to a hundred today! Everyone else couldn't get past 60, but I made it all the way to 100!"

And his mum says, "Excellent. That's because you're a drummer."

The next day, Johnny comes home and says, "Mummy, the teacher measured everyone's height in class today, and I was taller than everyone. Is that 'cause I'm a drummer?"

His mum shakes her head and says, "No, honey; that's because you're twenty-six."

You are stuck in an enclosed room with Fidel Castro, Osama Bin Laden, and a drummer. You have a gun with 2 (and only 2) bullets in it. What do you do?

You shoot the drummer twice to make sure

10,000 drummers meet in London for a "Drummers Are Not Stupid Convention". The compeer says "We are all here today to prove to the world that drummers are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" One drummer steps up; the compeer says to him "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds he says "Eighteen." Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 drummers start cheering "Give him another chance, give him another chance." The compeer says "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you here and the worldwide press is present, I guess we can give Nicko another chance." So he says "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds Nicko eventually says "Ninety?" The compeer sighs - everyone is crestfallen and the drummer starts crying and 80,000 other drummers start yelling "Give him another chance, give him another chance". The compeer, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says "Ok! One more chance. What is 2 plus 2?" Nicko closes his eyes and after a whole minute eventually says "Four". Around the stadium 80,000 drummers start yelling, "Give him another chance, give him another chance!"

Beat, I don't you how to break it to you, but your hands don't count as chicks!

Yo Vibe,

You must have known some pretty **** drummers in your day for all that bitterness!

HA!

Will the defendant please rise... HAHAHA! I like that one.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but he'll break 5 of them before he figures out you can't just push them in.

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?

You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once.

How can you tell if the stage is level?

The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

Why are band intermissions limited to 20 minutes?

So you don't have to retrain the drummers

Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in his car?

It took him two hours to get the drummer out!

How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?

You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground

Two cowboys were waiting in their fort for the Indians to attack. They listened to the distant pounding war drums. One cowboy muttered to the other, "I don't like the sound of them drums."

Just then, a distant voice came over the hill, "It's not our usual drummer!"

A drummer walks into a library and says: "Hi. I'll have a burger, fries, and a large coke."

The librarian responds, "Sshhhh....do you know where you are? This is a library!"

The drummer, sheepishly, and in a whisper says, "Sorry....I'll have a burger, fries and a large coke."

LMAO! Doc, you're killing me.

And Beat thinks it's bitterness!

Say, did I tell you the one about the drummer with a sense of humor?

Well, he gave up the drums and plays the bass!

All this love drummer love...its so sweet!

Thanks guys, you're the best!

Smell the glove, I mean, feel the love.

Beat, you should attend one of our practices. This kind of "love" is rampant to and from all sides.

In fact, "feel the love" is the standard response.

A few more

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?

A: A tattoo.

Q: What's the difference between a banjo and a fish?

A: You can tuna fish.

Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?

A: "The Defendant"

Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?

A: Their personalities.

Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?

A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?

A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Q: What's the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?

A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?

A: The can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.

Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?

A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.

Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your back yard?

A: Stop laughing and shoot again.

Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?

A: Night Manager at McDonalds.

What does a drummer use for contraception?

His personality!

Two girls are walking along when they hear...

"Psst! Down here!"

They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says

to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous drummer and

make you both rich and famous!" The two girls looked at each other, and one

of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket.

The other girl said, "What did you do that for?"

The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps

more than a famous drummer any day!!!"

What do Ginger Baker and 7-11 coffee have in common?

They both suck without Cream.

A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to

play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in,

approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there

and that accordian."

The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the

fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".

What's the best way to confuse a drummer?

Put a sheet of music in front of him.

A guy walks into a shop.

"You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a

Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"

"You're a drummer, aren't you?"

"Yeah. How'd you know?"

"This is a travel agency."

A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears

the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the

island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long

the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very

bad when the drumming stops."

At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get

on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The

native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant.

"Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off.

After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up,

grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts "What

happens when the drumming stops?!!"

"Bass solo."

If a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny,

Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were

standing in the corners, who would get the money?

The drummer with bad time since the other three don't exist.

An amateur drummer dies and goes to heaven. While he is waiting outside the

pearly gates, he hears some incredibly fast drumming coming from within

heaven. He immediately recognizes the playing, and asks St. Peter if that

really is Buddy Rich playing drums in heaven. St. Peter responds:

"No, that's God. He just thinks that he's Buddy Rich."

Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?

So they can park in the handicapped spot.

How do you get a musician to leave your front porch????

Pay for the pizza.

How many Bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

6, One to change the bulb, and 5 more to sit around and bitch because it's electric.

How many lead singers does it take to change a lightbulb????

1 they just hold the bulb, and the whole world revolves around them.

Later

Dave (A.K.A. Homebrew)

What do you call a drummer with more than one brain cell?

Pregnant.

What do you call a Drummer driving a Volkswagon?

Farfromthinken.

What do you call a drummer with half a brain?

Gifted.

What is the difference between a drun line playing together and shoes in a dryer?

Nothing.

How do you call a drummer?

You can't. They don't pay their phone bill.

What should you call a drummer?

It doesn't matter. They won't listen anyway.

Why didn't the Little Drummer Boy get into heaven?

Because he woke up the baby Jesus!

Yikes...DrMV

Did a drummer run over your cat or something?

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous.

"You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a trivia question for you), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?

"Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?

Sketcha that is the first time I've heard a bass player joke. And it was pretty damn funny. Sad part is its true though.

Boy a lot of these drummer jokes sound like rehashed blond jokes to me.

Yeah, it's true. I'm living proof.

I think Doc started, then Beat got a little defensive and then Doc just pounced on him. Show no weakness or you're in trouble. Cigar smokers can smell fear. 🙂