Don't light your farts when wearing flammable clothing.

Never argue about who is paying for dinner.

Ellliist Hollygirl..

When she asks, "So, at the end there... what were you thinking about?"...

Lie.

ScottHar

I haven't learned anything.

With regard to pranks..........retaliate as soon as possible, with ten times the ferocity.

On time a coworker chucked a penny at me from his cube.

I threw my boot at him.

No more pranks.

When she asks, "Does this make me look fat?"......

Revenge is a dish best served cold........never react with violence to a situation unless it is required to prevent loss of life.

You have plenty of time to make things right.

RE#8

Words to live by.

Dave (A.K.A. Homebrew)

We've saved LOTS of money by not wasting it on extravagant birthday parties for toddlers who will never remember them.

Photoshopping a kid into a picture of Disneyland isn't that hard.

ScottHar

As a child I learned that if Momma isn't happy, then nobody is. As a married man I learned that if my wife and mother of my children isn't happy, then nobody is.

Yo andytv:

"Revenge is a dish best served cold"

Hmmm are you saying revenge = sushi?

JonR

I'm thinking Jello..

Always answer your wives questions honestly.

Q...Does this dress make my hips look bigger?

A...If your hips get any bigger you won't be able to fit through the doorway.

Q...Is my sister prettier than me?

A...Hell yeah!

Q...You think your smarter than me don't you?

A...You betcha!

JonR

This thread is so ..****ulishious...

Never mention an x-girlfriend in front of your wife, unless you want to spend the next week answering a bunch of awkward questions that you don't want to answer.

When you ask your wife "what's wrong?" and she replies "nothing", accept the answer. Then get in your car and drive. Just keep driving.

Another I learned, from my first wife (Asian), there is no safe answer to the question "are my breasts big enough?" If your wife ever asks that question, start choking and fake a heart attack. You can explain it to the EMTs on the way to the hospital, insist on a male doctor, and he'll cover for you.

^18

So I was wrong to say," Yeah honey they are fine sized, I just liked em better when they were still chest heigth." ?

'..When you ask your wife "what’s wrong?" and she replies "nothing", accept the answer. Then get in your car and drive. Just keep driving. .,'

---------------------------

THAT is a gem. My wife did that crying "nothing" thing. I drove to Madison (two hours away) had a gyro. Hung out with my buddy for a few hours and returned home. Was gone twelve hours.

"Nothing" was ever a problem again.