Diary of a Snow Shoveler
This is absolutely one of my favorites!!!
December 8: 6:00 PM.
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife
and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching
the
huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma
Moses
Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again.
I love snow!
December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering
every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be
a
more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea
I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a
boy
again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon
the
snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in
the
driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life
December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment.
My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white
Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll
have so
much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow
again.
I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad
he's
our neighbor.
December 14:
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to
-20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath
away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This
is
the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon
and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to
do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape
this
way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked
the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes
out.
I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for
an
hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on
to
stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate
her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it
to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff
last night. More shoveling Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by
twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're
too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only
hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and
they're
out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're
lying. Bob
says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.
I think he's lying.
December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of
the white **** fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt
'til
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to
shovel,
and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed,
pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to
hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter;
but
he says he's too busy. I think the **** is lying.
December 23:
Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted
me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she
nuts!!!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did,
but I
think she's lying
December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the
****
who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his
balls
and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides
around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then
he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all
over
everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing
Christmas
carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching
for
the Goddamn snowplow.
December 25:
Merry F!=3Dx!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the
!=3Dx!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes
my
blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by
asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
The
wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot.
If I
have to
watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff
her into the microwave.
December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all
HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came
after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to
replace
all my pipes.
December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving
me crazy!!!!!
December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could
cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he
think I am?
December 30:
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing
me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but
also
for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went
home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31:
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8:
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
