Leno
Today, federal authorities raided Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch to search for evidence relating to charges brought by a 12-year-old boy. Gee, I wonder what that could be about?
Kilborn
The big story today was a raid at the Neverland Ranch. Michael Jackson was so upset over the raid that he dangled himself over a balcony.
Leno
I guess you heard the big story - the Jackson 5 is getting back together. Well, it's just for the police lineup, but hey!
Yesterday here in California police raided Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch in a criminal investigation, but they didn't say what exactly they were looking for. That's a switch: keeping Michael Jackson dangling!
Court TV reports that a 12-year-old boy has accused Michael Jackson of sexual abuse. Michael says he's got an alibi, but it sounds kind of fishy. He claims that at the time in question he was with a 13-year-old boy.
Police are searching the Neverland Ranch looking for anything unusual. They found something unusual like a girl.
Michael was not there. Three-month investigation, 70 cops, they should have called first. He wasn't there. Jackson wasn't at the ranch, he was in Vegas. Outside of the Neverland Ranch he spends most of his time in Vegas. It's his favorite place. Because, you know, "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas."
Authorities are apparently trying to get Michael to surrender. Why don't they try candy? That's how Michael gets kids to surrender.
If convicted, Michael could face up to eight years in prison. I don't think he's going to like the pony rides at San Quentin.
Letterman
As you know, federal agents raided Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch out in Santa Barbara yesterday. If he's not careful, this is the sort of thing that people might start to think he's peculiar.
Michael was so upset that he contacted Rush Limbaugh's housekeeper to get some sedatives.
Michael Jackson's spokesman said that he had no comment because he didn't know what the raid was about well, that makes him the only one.
It was a huge deal. There were over 60 feds on the ranch property they didn't find much, but they did find O.J.'s knife.
Conan
Right now, troops in Iraq are using "no holds barred tactics and going into homes of insurgents. Iraqis are furious and are saying, "We're being treated like Michael Jackson."
Kilborn
Federal agents raided Michael Jackson's home yesterday and found something frightening and unexpected, Jermaine.
Leno
Tonight we have California firefighters here, to give thanks to them for the great job they did putting out the fires. These guys are brave. Just like the Boy Scouts at the Neverland Ranch, they put their asses on the line every day.
I'm sort of worried about L.A. tonight. The firefighters are here. The police are all up at Michael Jackson's place. Who's protecting the city?
Of course you know about Michael Jackson or, as the kids call him, "SpongeBob NoPants."
Police had a warrant to arrest Michael Jackson, but they arrested Diana Ross by mistake.
I guess Michael was arrested under that new law: three tykes and you're out.
They performed a cavity search on him and found Emmanuel Lewis.
Letterman
Michael Jackson turned himself in today. His bail was set at $3 million because he is considered a flight risk. Well, sure, if he runs off, he could fit right in anywhere.
Conan
Today Michael Jackson surrendered to police. He was booked and they took his fingerprints. Afterwards the police said that this was the first time that Michael's fingers had looked black in years.
Kilborn
Michael Jackson was arrested today. You know, the interesting thing is that this all could have been avoided if he would have stuck to grabbing his own crotch.
Leno
(Opening of show) You sound like San Quentin when they heard they might be getting Michael Jackson!
You probably saw this on the news - after turning himself in Michael Jackson was placed in handcuffs behind his back. And Jackson asked police, "Hey these are pretty neat. Do they come in smaller sizes?
Now he is out on bail. The first thing he said when asked "What are you gonna do now? He said, "I'm going to Disneyland.
Attorney Mark Geragos defending both Michael Jackson and Scott Peterson. See here's how it works - Geragos takes the guys who are even too guilty for Johnnie Cochran!!!
Today on the news they were interviewing Michael Jackson's personal magician. He has a full-time job at the Neverland Ranch making all the evidence disappear.
You know what's fascinating? It took police two days to catch Michael. Michael wasn't at the ranch. He was tipped off. The giraffe saw the police coming a few miles away. Warned him to get out of there - told chimps to tell Michael to get out of there.
God bless him Michael said he's going to fight these charges "tooth and nail". Because those are the only original body parts he has left.
Letterman
Today is casual Friday. Michael Jackson wore an orange jumpsuit.
Conan
Michael Jackson was arrested yesterday. Huge story. The Santa Barbara Police report says that Michael Jackson is 5'11 and only weighs 120 pounds. When asked why Michael was so skinny he replied it was because he's always eating off the children's menu.
Kilborn
Michael Jackson has been arrested. I have only three words to say "dead man moonwalking!
Leno
The big story continues to be the Michael Jackson scandal. Michael Jackson met with his priest today. Not for spiritual advice. They went on a double date.
Apparently radio stations have stopped playing Michael Jackson's records. To which Michael said, "Now I know how Latoya feels.
According to a recent Gallup poll 17% of people have a favorable opinion of Jackson. Which puts him ahead of 8 of 9 Democratic candidates running for president.
Letterman
You know all about Michael Jackson. Everything is so weird. But you knew it would eventually happen the L.A. Police Department found a scarier mug shot than Nick Nolte's.
Michael Jackson was cuffed and taken off to jail just like the guests at Neverland Ranch.
Leno
Kind of a quiet Thanksgiving at the Neverland Ranch. Last week the D.A. seized the kiddie table as evidence.
Michael Jackson now using the internet to communicate with his fans. Which makes sense, that's how he met most of ‘em.
According to today's "L.A. Times, Michael Jackson owes over $200 million. Boy who is his accountant? Gray Davis.
They said of course, $250,000 a month just to run the Neverland Ranch. That's just to keep the help from talking.
In fact the next time Michael Jackson puts on a surgical mask, it could be to rob a bank.
Leno
I'm having what we call a celebrity criminal Thanksgiving. I'm having Michael Jackson pick out a nice young tom turkey for us; Phil Spector's going to shoot it, Kobe Bryant's going to stuff it and Glen Campbell's going to baste it.
Michael Jackson is fighting back. Jackson's attorney, Mark Geragos, said that if anybody besmirches his client's reputation, he will land on them "like a ton of bricks. Isn't this guys supposed to be Scott Peterson attorney too? Think he's going "sorry Scott I've got a bigger case, call Larry H. Parker. He will take care of you.
Kilborn
Authorities are now investigating over 100 new leads on Michael Jackson. Good thing for Michael this is going on in California, otherwise this could lead to jail time.
Leno
As part of his education plan, over the weekend presidential candidate Howard Dean announced plans to spend $110 billion on young children. That breaks Michael Jackson's record.
In Vegas, Michael Jackson eluded fans by dressing as an elderly woman. Tito, Jermaine and Latoya Jackson eluded fans by dressing as Tito, Jermaine and Latoya Jackson.
Is it really necessary for Michael Jackson to eluded fans by dressing as an elderly woman? If Michael Jackson wants to fool everyone, all he has to do is dress as an adult male.
CBS postponed their special next week called "Michael Jackson Number Ones" Instead they're gonna wait a year and air a special called "Michael Jackson Number 3323457b"
Conan
Here's the latest on Michael Jackson. Big news it's being reported that those closest to Michael are urging him to use an insanity defense. Michael says that he is against this and so is his herd of lamas.
