and i gotta add this, too.
i'm 38 years old. i've worked fulltime (even during six years of college) since i was 16 years old. my dad worked in a factory; mom kept the house going. i'm the typical "it's my money, and i worked hard for it, and i should be able to spend it as i please" kind of guy. yes, i also gave regularly to charity, too, be it the annual paycheck deduction to united way, the donations to goodwill, the check to the SPCA, the weekend helping out at the local food kitchen, or even giving a tenner to the guy on the corner claiming to be a vietnam vet (which i now know he probably was not) with the "please help; need food" sign in his hands (and alcohol on his breath). even so-- i had it, what the heck. enjoy.
i worked in law enforcement and really got to see the "better" side of humanity in that job, let me tell you. got injured on the job, turned in the badge and took my skills and went to a corporate job. worked three more years doing that, was dropping off a fedex envelope in michigan and had to stand up on a wedge of packed snow/ice to get to it. slipped, sprained my ankle. no big deal.
except it didn't heal. and didn't heal. and it got worse.
now i've been out of a job for just over a year. my legs don't work right. i'm in serious pain all the time, and i take medication usually only given to people in the end stages of cancer. i have to keep my legs elevated much of the time. all day and night i go back and forth from my ergonomic den chair to my orthopedic bed. sometimes i get 2-3 hours of uninterrupted sleep. mostly i just catch a few minutes here and there when the medicine knocks me out no matter what i'm doing. mid-sentence on here, then zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
what i can do is very limited now. my wife has taken over so many things that i used to love to do, and god bless her for all she does to keep us going. we live on her school teacher's salary now. i tried working at home. when i left the office in my last job, they tried to keep me on board and let me work from home. i just couldn't do it. i couldn't keep up with the work, and my health situation is so maddeningly unreliable. you can't do a good job when 3/4 of the time you're on the clock, you're either laying down trying to get the leg swelling down or half blitzed on the only medication that makes life remotely bearable.
i could go on and on about all that. the point is that just a little over a year ago i was a lot different than i am today. i used to chuckle at the welfare jokes, used to get a little disgusted when someone at the grocery store whipped out the food stamp card. i used to think, "get a JOB!"
well, now my wife gets the sour looks at the grocery store when she whips out the food stamp card. she gets to bear that shame because her husband can't make it around the grocery store (no, not even with the little handi-carts, from which you can reach very damn little on the shelves).
i'm no longer the breadwinner for my family. i'm no longer their provider. i can't tell you how low that makes me feel. even without the jokes about leeches like me, it makes a man feel mighty low just knowing that he's not doing what he used to do, what he loved to do, in taking care of his family.
yes, i've applied for disability. don't worry, says the doc, the anesthesiologist, the neurologist, the orthopedist -- there's no way they'll turn you down! well, no one told me that some obscenely high percentage of people who apply are automatically denied, no matter what their condition. fine. so i'm appealing now, this time with a social security lawyer (i've heard this is the way to procede). so maybe a year or two from now i'll feel a bit better when i'm bringing in my $805/month -- that will almost pay for my monthly medical expenses.
i'm not writing this as some kind of "pity me" thing. i'm putting this out there as another example of why i don't feel like i fit into the republican party, why i don't fit in with the conservative way of thinking. from what i've heard so far, i'm just another leech on the system, taking your hard-earned money out of your pockets because i'm apparently just too lazy to get a job.
after all, that's what i thought a year ago about anyone whipping out the food stamp card. why shouldn't others think that about me (or my wife rather) now?
i'm red faced embarrassed to write this, and i suppose there will be some of you who stop sending emails after i post this. but i want to know, i REALLY want to know -- where does someone like me even begin to fit in with conservatives or with the repub party? rush limbaugh hates my kind, i'm sure. then again, it's guys like limbaugh who make it just that more difficult for guys like me to get the pain medication that we need in order to have any kind of life at all.
anyway, there it is.
antonio