The Seven Dwarfs went to the Vatican, and got ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey led the pack. "Dopey, my son," said the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asked, "Excuse me, Your Eminence, but are there any dwarf nuns in
Rome?"

The Pope wrinkled his brow at the odd question, thought for a moment and
answered, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background the other dwarfs started giggling.

Dopey turned around and gave them a fiery stare, silencing them.

Dopey turned back to the Pope. "Your Holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in
all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled again, answered, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all
of Europe."

This time, all the dwarfs burst into laught er. Once again, Dopey turned
around and silenced them all with an angry stare.

Dopey turned back to the Pope and said, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns
in the whole world?"

The Pope answered, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in
the world."

The other dwarfs collapsed into a heap, rolling and laughing, tears running
down their cheeks as they began chanting:

"Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"

Guy walks into a bar and orders 3 shots. He slams them all in a row.

The bartender is a little bewildered and asks: "Son, why did you just do that?"

The guy says: "I just blew chunks."

Bartender: "Well, 3 shots in a row like that sure isn't going to make things better."

Guy: "No, Chunks is my dog."

MY EYES, MY EYES. Make it go away!!!!

Ryan that is just sick.

THREE MEN ARE SITTIN' ON A BENCH. ONE'S A TEXAN
WEARING A STETSON, ONE'S A MUSLIM WEARING A TURBAN,
AND THE LAST AN APACHE WITH AN EAGLE FEATHER
WOVEN IN HIS HAIR. THE INDIAN IS RATHER GLUM AND SAYS
"ONCE MY PEOPLE WERE MANY, BUT NOW WE ARE FEW.
THE MUSLIM PUFFS UP AND SAYS "ONCE MY PEOPLE WERE FEW,
BUT NOW WE ARE MANY MILLIONS."
THE TEXAN ADJUSTS HIS HAT, FINISHES ROLLING A SMOKE,
LEANS BACK IN HIS CHAIR AND DRAWLS, "THAT'S CAUSE WE
AIN'T PLAYED COWBOYS AND MUSLIMS YET!"


Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy".
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".
Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning". Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!
"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".



A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her so she decided to seek the medical expertise of her doctor.



Her doctor recommended that she see the well-known Chinese sex therapist,so off she went to see Dr Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose."
The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates".

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is EdZachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

A Chinese couple gets married. The beautiful bride is still a virgin.
Truth be told, the young groom is none too experienced. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the hotel bed sheets as her new husband undresses upon his approach.

He climbs in and snuggles up next to her, trying to impress his new wife and also be reassuring: "My darring", he says, "I know dis yoo fus time and yoo berry flighten. I plomise yoo, I givoo anyting you wan,
I do anyting yoo wan, anyting yoo say. Whachoo wan?" he says.

A thoughtful silence follows, during which he eagerly awaits her request.
She eventually replies, shy and unsure: "I wan.... numba sitty nine."

More silence follows - this time, from him. Finally, looking puzzled and irritated, he exclaims
"You wan... BEEF WIF BROCCORI??!"

Can't help myself. It's still hard to beat "Dear Abby" from a previous thread (by RDC):


Dear Abby,

My boyfriend is not happy with my mood swings. The other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big **** red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Sincerely,
Bitchy in Boston

When opening a can of Carnation evaporated milk for your recipes just
smile and think of this. A little old lady from North Carolina had worked
in
and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk... with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan/rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...." and she said, I know all about milk and dairy farms...I can do this! She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house... a man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it...."


Here is her entry:
Carnation milk is best of all,
no tits to pull, no hay to haul
no buckets to wash, no **** to pitch,
just poke a hole in the ****!

Five blondes walk into a bar and sit down at a table. They then order a round of beers. The bartender brings them the beers and the blondes all yell "51" and down the beers. They then order another round. The bartender is curious but just brings them their beers. The blondes again hold them up, yell "51" and down the beers. They order another round. This time the bartender says, "Ladies, I don't mind bringing you another round, but what is with all this "51" stuff?" One fo the blondes replies, "We all put our heads together to put a puzzle together and it only took us 51 days to do it!" The bartender then asks "What's so big about that?"
One of the other blndes says "Well, the box said two to four years!"
It's kind of long, but one of my favorites.
Que

A man goes to work in the morning and after arriving for work, he realizes that he forgot his breifcase. He calls home and a little girl answers the phone. "Hi honey this is Daddy and I need to speak with mommy."
Little girl replies "She can't come to the phone right now, she's up in her shower with Uncle WillY"
"Honey, you don't have an Uncle Willy."
Yes I do and he's up in the shower with Mommy right now."
Ok, this what I want you to do. Go upstairs, and tell your Mommy and Uncle willy that I just pulled into the driveway, then watch what happens and come back and tell me."
"Ok Daddy". The little girl sets the phone down and does as she is asked. A couple of minutes later she returns to the phone.
Father asks "So, what happened?"
"Well when I told them that you were home, they both started screaming and jumping around, them Mommy fell really, really hard and I think she might be dead!"
"What!"
"Yeah and when Uncle willy saw that he really got excited and he ran and jumped out the bedroom window, but he didn't know that you drained the pool last night and I think he's dead too!'
Man says "Wait a minute, pool? Is this 628-1476?"