I rode my bicycle down to the liquor store to buy a bottle of scotch. I bought a bottle and put it in the basket of my bicycle. I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, it might break the bottle. So I drank the bottle before I pedaled off on my way home.

It turned out to be a good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.


Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Meanwhile, in the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!'

😟

That one about the scotch isn't really a joke, it just makes practical sense.

An old fellow was sitting at a water fountain out in the garden at his retirement home. He was feeling a bit down and out and looking pretty depressed. An old lady ,also there at the retirement home, noticed the old man and seen he was a little upset about something. She sits down beside him and says "something seems to be bothering you what is it?" The old man proceeds to tell the lady that his wife had passed away a few years back and today was their anniversary. He continues to tell her that he was thinking of the old days when she would hold his lil wiener from time to time and how they would talk and how he missed this very much. The old lady feeling sorry for the man reaches over and grabs a hold of his lil wiener and says lets talk. This made the old man very happy.

After that, for next few months they would meet up at the fountain in the garden every day and she would hold his lil wiener and they would talk. She had became pretty fond of the old fellow over a period of time then, one day she went to meet up with him at the fountain and he never showed up. This went on for days, every day she would go out to the fountain and he would not be there. She became worried that something might have happened but she had not heard. She decided to start looking around the facility to see if she could find him. She found him at the other garden in the back with another old woman that was holding his lil wiener and talking.

She became very very angry and stormed up to the old man. She told him that she had been waiting for days at the other fountain and he never showed. She had worried about him very very much every day just to find out he was at the other fountain with another woman. She then asked him "I want to know what is it that this woman has got that I don't!"

He says "Parkinson's" :-" :-" :-"

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I'm a Sailor.................clean jokes,really?