I will preface this story with: Just because you have been referred to an "Ass Doctor" does not in fact mean that said doctor isn't female. You should have seen my face when this revelation hit home.

4:30pm I am sitting in room 3 on the third floor of Erlanger Medical Center. The Ass-floor. I am surrounded by patients with similar problems. To put it simply, these are my kind of people.

4:32pm I just farted; it felt like I crapped a cantaloupe.

4:38pm "Dr. Moore" just came in. She's hot. Just over 1,000,000 things are now going through my head. None of them good and most of them making me panic a bunch.

4:40pm Dr. Moore asked me to go to the bathroom before we got started. I assume that before she runs test #1 she wants to make sure that she isn't about to be crapped on. Reasonable request. I comply.

4:45pm I'm sitting in the office bathroom trying to make poo-pee when there is a knock on the door. I kindly say "someones in here". The door opens anyway. It's Dr. Moore. Apparently I'm not preparing for test #1...... this is test #1.

4:46pm I try frantically to make my **** look bigger. I fail miserably.

4:49pm Dr. Moore has a long stick with a mirror on it (old man pervert looking up woman's skirts style). She asks me to shift to the front of the toilet seat while she puts her mirror stick in the back of the toilet bowl.

4:50pm Dr. Moore asks me to "push like I'm trying to get one out." She than asks me to "squeeze like I'm holding one in." We are both uncomfortable with what she said. We don't say anything else to each other.

4:52pm I never get to poop, It was a trick.

4:55pm Doc brings me into a room where there is an alter looking bench and she asks me to kneel down. I think this is an appropriate time to pray, so I do it.

4:57pm While kneeling on the alter, my upper torso is hanging over. The devise than turns upside down and my head is on the ground and my ass is in the air.

4:58pm My pride is right beside my head on the ground. It looks at me with disappointment.

5:00pm Dr. Moore puts enough things in my **** to make Mattie_B uncomfortable.

5:05pm Dr. Moore tells me that my sphincter is extraordinarily tight.

5:05pm I tell Dr. Moore thank you.

5:06pm Dr. Moore tells me she can't do the test she needs because of my tight sphincter and that I need to have surgery on Monday so that she can cut my **** to allow it to stretch and allow access for the tests. She thinks this in of itself is a lot of the reason for the problems that I'm having but needs to get past it to see if their are problems further up my ass.

5:07pm I'm worried about Doc turning my cheerio into a doughnut.

5:10pm Dr. Moore flips me back right side up. I will preface the next part of this story with there hasn't been blood in my legs for 15 minutes and suddenly it's all about to leave my head.

5:11pm I fall out like the best man of an "Americas Funniest Video's" wedding.

5:13pm I am humiliated even more than having my ass spread like a pork chop.

5:15pm I make my way to another room where we schedule Monday's surgery.

5:20pm I drive home thinking of the irony that in a few days I will have someone literally "rip me a new ****".

And that is that guys. It continues. Now there are only two things on my mind. 1) What will doc find when she gets past my tight ****: hopefully nothing cancerish. and 2) what if she cuts too much and I have a drippy **** the rest of my life.

To Be Continued...

... my condolences ...

... I've had that surgery ... complete internals (upper & lower) and externals removed ...

... I felt like a Gorilla was shaking his fist in my a-hole all day long for like a month ...


Advice: Pick up a few gallons of ice cream before your surgery ... nice to have for after the surgery ... any flavor works ... you're not eating it ... you're putting it in a ziplock bag and pressing into the crack of your b-hole to help numb the pain ...

Brother Country....I am truly sorry this is happening to you...with that said, let me also say...ROTFFLMMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't even know where to start. At least you're taking it all in stride.

Brother.....I am seriously not laughing at you. I can honestly say I would be terrified and I wish you nothing but the best. Your telling of the story was very funny, though.

Jade, I need you to laugh. It's when everyone's face is serious that I know there's a problem. I appreciate you helping me joke about it.

Country

Jimmy, I hear ya, brother. I'm just ready for this to be over.

Country

Country you need to preface that oratory visit to the anals of medicine with a precursor warning not to be drinking and reading at the same time - LMAO!!

Best of luck in your sphincter adventures.

This just is too hard to believe Country.

You've been a perfect ass as long as I've known you.

I had to laugh through your story; you told it very well. Hope things go well with the surgery Bro.


Your not going to do one of those threads,"Keep your thoughts and prayers on my ass" are you?

I just read this aloud to my wife. I had to stop several times to wipe the tears from my eyes (tears of laughter). I nearly fell out of the chair. My wife almost fell off the couch.

That's the funniest ass story I've ever read.















Oh, sorry for your shame (not really)

Dude,

The next time I have the guts to go back to my surgeon and continue to complain about my ongoing ass problems, he's going to schedule me for surgery. I do not look forward to that and keep putting off going to see him every time I have a flair-up. You are closer to surgery than I am today, but I kind of understand where you are at, and certainly wish you the best...

rfenst

Reading this Country, my day wasn't that bad after all.

Thank you.

(*)

"Dr. Moore asks me to "push like I'm trying to get one out." She than asks me to "squeeze like I'm holding one in." We are both uncomfortable with what she said. We don't say anything else to each other. "

I never, ever, ever..please God ever, want to hear this said to me by a hot woman.....ever. LOLZ!!!!!!!

1. LMFAO (no pun intended).

2. This may be the funniest post I've read all year.

3. Given that it comes at great expense to you, I should feel guilty about that. Somehow I can't. Maybe in a few days I will.

4. I'm having trouble seeing through the tears to type this.

5. I think if this ever happens to me, I'm going to make sure I bring a sidearm to the appointment. About the time she opens the door, I'd say it's time for me to just check out and avoid the humiliation.

6. Tight sphincter. I take it you've never served time in a PMITA prison. MAC? Can you help out wounded BOTL with a weekend in the pokey? Oops, I mean in the jail? May be able to save him the cost and pain of surgery. He might even make a special friend.

7. I'll bet your co-pay is asstronomical.

8. This probably isn't a good time to recount the story of when I had to get ultrasound on my balls to make sure a scary lump wasn't cancer (it wasn't, just a temporary inflamation) and how cute the young girl doing the testing was, and that my insurance paid for it, and that you haven't lived until you've had that wand swiped over your balls, which they coat in gel first, and the testing doesn't hurt, is it? OK, didn't think so.

9. Did you say Enlarger Medical Center? Maybe when you're getting your donut on the back door, you can get them to add a little to the front porch, if you know what I mean.

10. If nothing else, your possible plans to become a drug mule for a Mexican cartel have either taken a very positive turn or a very negative turn. I really don't want to know which turns out to be the case.

11. I've got an email out to ScottHar. We're trying to sign Dr. Moore to a video deal. You don't need to worry. You'll be under anesthetic for your part.

12 Re: never getting to poop. Have you ever tricked your dog to getting into the car, acting excited like he's going somewhere fun, then taken him to the vet instead? This may be kharma shoving a fist into your posterior.

13. Still trying to feel bad about finding this so humorous. It's not happening.

I haven't laughed that hard in years, Country. I was laughing so hard, I farted... but it did NOT feel like I **** a cantaloupe.

Wait Country. On Monday, the good doctor will perform surgery. She will also, as part of her fellowship program, give a symposium on internal sphincter resection to be attended by 30 female proctological and gastroenterological students from Sweden.

There will be a lecture followed by a question and answer period during the procedure.

So are you allowed to smoke at all?

#15 I hope you weren't sitting on a cake at the time.

I think that I may have learned in a psychology class years ago that some theorists consider ****ting to be pleasurable. Anyone recall or know anything about this?

OK Seriously,

#1 Sounds like a combination of twighlight zone meets penthouse stories....

#1 and everyone else... learn from someone else's pain and humiliation... eat more fiber... regularly... like everyday. I know burgers and cheese and bacon and sausage all taste great but ya gotta get regular fiber to keep bad Sh*t from happening (or actually happening regularly without straining as the case may be)! You don't have to go vegan crazy but an apple a day keeps the hot ass doctor from holding a mirror under your ass while your sitting on the toilet and saying "push like your trying to squeeze one out" and then flipping you on your head and telling you she's gonna make you ass wider so she can get her arm up in there.

I'm not sayin.... just sayin !!

Country - Laughing at you but hoping all you get outta this is a sore ass and a serious lesson to eat more fiber.