OK, here goes. I was in Boy Scouts and was an altar boy and never got molested. I've felt unattractive ever since. I keep a live salamander in my pocket at all times, but I can't explain why. I once voted for a Reublican, but I'm too ashamed to say which one (that's for you rugs..no, it wasn't dubbya). I rfuse to believe that pi cannot be calculated to a final decimal point. I lived in Paris for three years as a woman, calling myself Alice. I lived in the subways and subsisted on found money and crumbs. I really can't believe it's not butter...just can't. I paid too much for my muffler. I have an elf living in my attic, but he pays rent, so I don't say anything. I once caught myself tapping my toes to a Huey Lewis song. Vomit tastes better coming back than it does going out. My hat size is 27. My wife is part Cherokee...I told her she needed a native name to go with her heritage, and now I call her Partly Cloudy. I injected Barry Bonds with everything I could get my hands on. I was the real killer, not OJ. Some times I look up at the stars and I think, "Holy f*ck, that's a lot of stars!" I fantasize about Drathaar...nothing creepy, just a little cuddling. I some times wonder if breast can be too big, or if such a concept exists. I think Steven Hawking is an a**hole. I'm using a "borrowed" credit card to bid here. Ann Coulter's voice makes my esophagus spasm. I think Anna Nicole Smith really married that 198 year old guy for love, not money. I like monkeys. I cheat at solitaire, and I still lose. I have a vertical leap that can almost accomodate three sheets of paper. I can't decide which scares me more...that my life may be half over, or that it may ONLY be half over. I secretly laugh at jokes that are funny and then tell the teller of the joke I didn't laugh, just to piss them off. I'm the guy going 45 in the fast lane on the freeway...I'm waiting for you to hit me so I can get a big settlement. I think King Kong really exists, however, I can't believe the Terminator is really in charge of a state. I think the state west of West Virginia should have been named More West Virginia, and the next state over Even Further West Virginia just for the states to show what a stupid idea the name West Virginia was. I think I see a boogie hanging in George Washington's left nostril on Mt. Rushmore. I think the Cubs may one day win the World Series. I think there are really seeds in seedless watermelon. And finally, I believe that I have to leave and go back to work.
BTW, I usually like it when a loved one bites me in the butt. And Steve, just kidding about the credit card...but everything else is so, so true.
