😂

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#58 - [frypan]



#60 - #-o


what a crime

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.” I whispered back, “Bring pizza.”

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

I t’s weird being the same age as old people.

W hen I was a kid I wanted to be older… this is not what I expected.

Life is like a helicopter and I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.

Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?
Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember…Don’t sing!

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you. So I took her to Subway and that’s how the fight started.

During the middle ages they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies. Does anyone know if there is anything planned when this one ends?

I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow” that many times in your first session but here we are…

I see people about my age mountain climbing and I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

We can all agree that in 2015 not a single person got the answer correct to, "Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?"

So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

Coronacoaster noun: the ups and downs of a pandemic. (One day you’re loving your bubble, doing workouts, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.)

I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.

How many of us have looked around our family reunion and thought “Well aren’t we just two clowns short of a circus?”

You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

HA HA 😂😂

HA HA 😂😂

My house was broken into recently. Nothing was taken except the TV remote. Now he drives by the house and changes the channels. Sick bassturd!

Way back in the day I actually did that. Our cable system required a box and everyone's was the same so I would take the remote with me when I walked in the evening. If I saw a TV through a window (from the sidewalk) I'd point and shoot.

Did anyone ever shoot back ?

John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus last night. Turns out it was just Saturday night fever

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself that's the last thing I need.

Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it but not necessary that you show it off.

Some relationships are a lot like algebra Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.

People are making end of the world jokes like there's no tomorrow.

My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I'd start lying to my wife.

Whatever you do, always give 100% unless you're donating blood.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun? roamin’ Catholic.

What did Snow White say when she came out of the photo booth? Someday my prints will come.

A girl said she recognized me from her vegetarian club but I’d never met herbivore.

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.

What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short.

If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting "be positive," but it's hard without him.

Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

Good groaners! [jester]

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There is attitude, and then there is a positive attitude!

Life is not the way it’s supposed to be – it’s the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.

After his plane was hit, and he was forced to eject, the US Air Force pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital in a lot of pain.

He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a pilot, but an Air Force pilot, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word:

You may not feel anything from the waist down.

Somehow, he managed to mumble in reply, can I feel your tits, then?

And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude!

Positive indeed! =d> =d> =d>

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Saturday Night Fever...good movie...great music...needed some tits...


[hug] <-------titty twister

Paddy and Mick were in their rowboat on the Irish Sea fishing. Being good Irishmen, they were knocking back some beers. Well, Paddy had one too many and passed out. While Paddy was sleeping, Mick got a hit on his line that damn near pulled him out of the boat. After a tough hour long battle, Mick finally prevailed and got his catch alongside the boat. To his amazement, he realized that he hooked a mermaid. The mermaid pleaded with Mick to set her free, promising to grant him any wish he desired if he would release her. Mick thought for a few seconds and said, "Can you turn the Irish Sea into Guinness ?" The mermaid told him that, yes she could, if that was what he wished for. He said that yes, that was his wish, and then proceeded to unhook her from the line. When she was free, she uttered a few words in an ancient language and told Mick that his wish was granted, then swam away. Mick quickly got his glass, leaned over the side of the boat and filled it, and took a big drink. To his amazement, it WAS Guinness. He shook Paddy awake and told him the whole story, but Paddy didn't believe him. He told Paddy to get a glass and scoop some up for himself. Paddy did just that, and said,
"OH MY GOD, It IS Guiness !"After finishing his drink, Paddy leaned over and smacked Mick in the face. Mick said, 'HEY, what was THAT for ?" PADDY replied, "Ya simple bastid . . . Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat !"

^^That's funny.

Best FU to cancel culture azzholes.

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🤣

An Irish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

Monday’s the best night, when my husband goes out to darts, she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.

She was surprised to see that the lass didn’t have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.

He didn’t believe her, so she said next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I’ll leave a gap in the curtains, so you can see for yourself.

So, the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, do you shave?

No, replied the girl, I’ve just never grown any hair down there.

Do you have hair?

Oh, yes, said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department. The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, did you see it?

Yes, he said, but why the hell did you have to show her yours.

Why ever are you worried about that she said, you’ve seen it often enough before.

I know, he said, but the darts team hadn’t!

That's teamwork!!! 😂

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I went by the house I grew up in and stopped and asked if I could come in and look around. The said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so rude!