my favorite cat was dog-like...when he was inside and saw birds walking on the patio floor next to the glass door, he'd bark at them...

Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on her cellphone...

The wife said, " Where are you? You KNOW we have lots to do!"

He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about ten years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…

"Yes, I do remember that store...." she replied.

"Well, I am in the gun store right next door to that."

^^^this one has a part two...I can feel it

In the year 2025, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over
-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another ark and save 2 of every living thing
along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the ark before I will
start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his yard - but no ark.
"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed." "I needed a building permit."


"I've been arguing with the boat inspector
about the need for a sprinkler system."


"My neighbors claim that I've violated the
neighborhood by-laws by building the ark in my
back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."


"Then the local Council and the electric company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them
that the sea would be coming to us, but they would
hear none of it."


"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban
on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl." "I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"


"When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."


"Then the Environmental Protection Agency
ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an
environmental impact study on your proposed flood."


"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire for my building crew."


"The Immigration Dept. is checking the
visa status of most of the people who want to work."


"The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They
insist I have to hire only Union workers with
ark-building experience."


"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."


"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
years for me to finish this ark."


"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky."


Noah looked up in wonder and asked,

"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" ;
"No," said the Lord. "The Government beat me to it."

Today's installment:

My kid asked if I could pick up a gallon of milk and I said sure, a gallon only weighs about 8 pounds. She said she meant at the store, so I shrugged and said I imagine it weighs the same there.


A Cork radio station was running a competition-words that weren't in the dictionary yet that still could be used in a sentence that would make sense. The prize was trip to Bali.

DJ: 96FM here, what's your name?
Caller: Hi, me name's Dave.
DJ: Hi Dave, what's your word?
Caller: Goan....spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced "goan"
DJ: You are correct Dave, goan is not in the dictionary. Now to win that trip to Bali, can you use that word in a sentence that makes sense?
Caller: Goan f*** yourself

The DJ terminated the call immediately and took many other callers but all were unsuccessful until........

DJ: 96FM here, what's your name?
Caller: Hi, me name's Jeff.
DJ: Hi Jeff, what's your word?
Caller: Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced, smee
DJ: You are correct Jeff, smee is not in the dictionary. Now to win that trip to Bali, can you use that word in a sentence that makes sense?
Caller: Smee again, goan f*** yourself


If something is thrown at the president, does the Secret Service yell "Donald, Duck!"


As a singer I sing at many funerals and I was recently asked by a funeral director to sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's Cemetery out near Indiana. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. Everyone that knows me knows I'm directionally challenged AND the further I drove the signal for my navigation weakened and eventually dropped.
Anyways I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to sing. The workers put down their lunch and began to gather around. I sang my heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends.
As I sang “Amazing Grace”, the spirit of God began to move and the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I prayed a benediction and started for my car my head hung low but my heart so FULL.
As I opened the door to my car, I overheard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I was still lost

Everyone have a safe and healthy weekend. 🍺

=d>

=d>

🇨🇮

---

A police officer stopped a blonde for speeding and asked her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.

Just yesterday you take my license away, and now today you expect me to show it to you?'

************************************

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

*********************************

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

You hit down to make the ball go up.
You swing left and the ball goes right.
The lowest score wins, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

Golf is harder than baseball.
In Golf, you have to play your foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing Golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip...your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers...neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about Golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.

Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green.

The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme' putt, you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage. If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

😂

---

How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity in RETIREMENT . . .

1.
At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, point a hair dryer at passing cars and watch them slow down!

2.
On all your check stubs, write, "For Sexual Favours"

3.
Skip down the street rather than walk, and see how many looks you get.

4.
With a serious face, order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat.

5.
Sing along at The Opera.

6.
When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'

7.
When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling, 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

8.
Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go....'

9.
Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

Haha, well done Kraazeehorse!

Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their Seventies when they got married.

They had to wait for Mildred’s mother to pass away first.

Back in those days there was no hanky-panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.

Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years.

However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not do it.

Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part.

Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed.

When she reappears in her silk satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get things started he pulls the first strap on her nightie.

She blushes just as red as her silk satin nightie. She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition.

In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen since his own mother’s.

It is hanging there down to her belly button: gravity having taken its course over some sixty years.

He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going to have to be helped a little more.

Now he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him.

Poor Mildred is now beside herself, she's going to have to tell Chester about her heart.

With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says, Chester I have acute angina.

Chester says, I sure hope so, cuz you’ve shore got ugly tits.

🤦


=d>

Why did the chicken cross the road?


DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

****** CHENEY: Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

=d> =d> =d> 🍺

👍 👍

A wife and husband had been arguing all day.

They pass a herd of jackasses while in the car.

The wife says "relatives of yours?"

Husband says "yep in laws."

😂

He was sick of the world; of Covid-19, Brexit, Russian belligerence,
global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing
stories that occupy media headlines.

Stewart drove his car into his garage and then sealed every
doorway and window as best he could. He got back into
his car and rolled down the windows, selected his favorite
radio station, started the car and revved it to a slow idle.

Four days later, a worried neighbor peered through his
garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the
emergency services and they broke in, pulling Stewart from the car.

A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition,
but his Tesla had a dead battery.