Expert level.

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=d>

Indeed!

[barf]

Here's an old one to warm up on.......

My neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet, who found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Nora that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Immac" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Nora went to the chemist and bought some "Immac" hair remover. At the till, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Nora say's, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

Nora replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist say's, "Oh well, in that case, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

😂

A guy is traveling through a small town and stops at the local watering hole for lunch. He looks at the menu board and it has the regular fare, hamburger $3.50. Cheeseburger $4.50. But what takes him by surprise is Hand Job $15. He approaches the bar and motions the attractive young lady down to the end. He leans in and asks “are you the one that gives the hand jobs?” She smiles and replies in the affirmative. The guy says “ well honey, go wash your hands please. I’d like a cheeseburger.”

1. The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot.

2. When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy” that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor”.

3. It’s weird being the same age as old people.

4. Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say CLOSE ENOUGH.

5. If I am ever on life support, unplug me and plug me back in and see if that works.

6. Do you ever wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and think… “That can’t be accurate?”

7. Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like nice people.

8. If Adam and Eve were Cajuns, they would have eaten the snake instead of the Apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.

9. We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages …… Metamucil and Ensure.

10. You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.

11. Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

12. After watching how some people wear their masks, I understand why contraception fails.

13. Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

14. For those of you who don’t want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version….it doesn’t listen to anything.

15. I just got a present labeled, ‘From Mom and Dad’, and I know damn well Dad has no idea what’s inside.

16. Now that I have lived through a plague, I totally understand why Italian renaissance paintings are full of fat people lying on couches.

Stop naming hospitals after dead people. Give people some hope like: Kieth Richards Hospital

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People think I hate sex. I don’t. I just don’t like things that stop you from seeing the television properly.

My Mom told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

=d> =d> =d>

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An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside.

"Guido, I wann'a you lissin'a me. I wann'a you to take'a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissin'a me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runn'a da business. You gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big'a home and maybe a couple'a bambinos. Somma day you gonna come'a home and maybe find'a you wife inn'a bed with another man. What'a you gonna do then? Point'a to you watch and say, "Time'sa up?"

Oh lort! ILMFAO!

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TTT

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a magician was walking down the street and turned into a bar

Reminds me about the Mexican magician, he waved his magic wand, counted, Uno, Dos...

Then disappeared without a Tres.

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=d>

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.