Wha?

Just paint over the text to change the color or whatever with the pull down menu to change it to different colors, size and stuff. You don't have to type in the syntax stuff, and stuff

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the
freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything,
but...

"Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is,
your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new
willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the
thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this.

"So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want.
But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you
had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she
might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide
only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's
important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you
spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."

At least she chose something rock hard.

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"Meow" in cat means Woof! in dog.

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Read this one today:

My wife walked in the house, slammed her shit down and started ranting about everything imaginable.

Our nine year old daughter walks in and said, "Who lit the fuse on your Tampon?"

I had to step outside so I didn't get slapped for laughing...

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I was driving down the road the other day. I saw my ex-wife in the other lane...

The mental phrase "I'd hit that" has a different meaning in certain circumstances.

Dave Chappelle meeting Jim Carrey.



Do watch to the end.

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Pope dies. When he gets to the pearly gates no one is there so he knocks...a while later Saint Peter arrives, let's him in, and tells him where the bunks are.

The next morning he awakens to the sound of golden trumpets. He looks out the window, and sees the road leading up to the gates lined with angels. Coming down the road was a convertible Cadillac. Sitting up on the back seat was a man with buxom blondes around each arm, a bottle of bourbon in one hand, and a cigar in the other.

The pope goes to St. Peter who is patiently waiting at the gates for the man in the Cadillac. The pope asks him "My dear Saint Peter, who is this man who commands such a lovely entrance to heaven? I was the leader of the largest religion on earth and I had to knock."
St. Peter replies "He's a marine. We got lots of Pope's here, we've never had a Marine before"

What is brown, and rhymes with Snoop?





























Dr. Dre.

What sexual position makes the ugliest babies?


























Ask your parents

Woman:

"They are beautiful flowers, but now I'll be expected to spend the weekend on back with my legs in the air."




Flower Delivery Guy:

"Don't you have a vase?"


Visual:

https://www.fnforum.net/cdn-cgi/image/format=auto,onerror=redirect,width=1920,height=1920,fit=scale-down/https://www.fnforum.net/attachments/img_2047-jpeg.186965/ 

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Hey "cougars"? It takes more than being over 40 or 50...

You need your own house, money, and a good credit score... otherwise you're just a stray cat.

😂

😂 😂 😂

As a cougar hunter once said:

Cougar Hunter: "She's great"

Me: "Good looking?"

Cougar Hunter: "No, but she has a big purse."

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A farmer decides to play a joke on his chickens.
After the Easter Egg Hunt is over, he gathers up all the extra Easter Eggs, goes into the hen house, and replaces all the freshly laid eggs with the Easter Eggs.
A few minutes later, the rooster goes in, and sees all the brightly colored eggs in the coop.
He runs out of the hen house, grabs the peacock, and beats the schittt out of him.

^good one

Gilbert Gottfried reading the lyrics to a Cardi B song

NSFW

?si=M2OeWcf99Z46wzyO

I miss him.

Everyone wants James Earl Jones or Morgan Freeman to narrate their lifestory. I always favored Gilbert or Bobcat Goldthwait. Just to laugh at the reaction of the room.